Sir yes sir
by TVDTKD
Summary: Tess is sentenced to a Juvenile Boot Camp. There she meets a annoying major called Damon Salvatore, but is this major this annoying. Maybe he's the one and only person who can help her open up and fix her life. Also some Stefan Salvatore.
1. Chapter 1

**Sir, yes, Sir  
**

**Introduction  
All characters in the story are fiction, although there are some similarities about Tess and myself, although to be straight I never got abused in any way by people I love. I do not own any of these characters. I used two characters of the Vampire Diaries: Damon and Stefan Salvatore. ALL HUMAN.  
This story is rated M for abuse and self mutilation.**

Sorry if there are a lot of writing errors in it, English is not my first language.  
Let me know what you think! Feedback is welcome 

**Summery  
Tess is sentenced to a Juvenile Boot Camp. There she meets a annoying major called Damon Salvatore, but is this major this annoying. Maybe he's the one and only person who can help her open up and fix her life. Also some Stefan Salvatore.  
**  
Well let's introduce myself my name is Tess I'm a nineteen year old girl my nickname is the Rebel at least it used to be, I was send to a Boot Camp called Raising Hope two years ago. The camp I was send to is a juvenile Boot camp in the desert of Utah, guess all the bad kids got send there. Well it's not a coincidence since Utah's nickname is the Beehive state change two letter and you got behave. But I guess it's kind of my last resort, it was either that or send to the joint and this time it wouldn't be Juvie. Well I'll tell you my story but I'm warning you it ain't pretty.

I was born on the 11th of may 1991 in Atlanta Georgia. A child to a second star General Major in the US army and a pediatrician I have a little brother aged 9 now, he was born three years before my father died. I grew up in Fort Stewart an army base near the city of Savannah GA. My life was smooth, until my father was killed in action when I was thirteen.

I was grief stricken and hated the world due to what happened to my father. Soon after my father's passing I moved with my mother and little brother to her home state New Jersey. We started to live in Newark. I knew no one and had to go to another school what made it worse was that my mother couldn't find a job and got addicted to alcohol and drugs. After three months she met a new guy he was a drunk, addict and I really didn't like him. We moved into his house and he started to abuse me mentally, physically and sexually. But I'll let him because else he said he would turn to my little brother. I'll never told that to anyone not even when….. And when I was at the camp I wasn't suppose to open up about it. If I did who knows read my story.

My mother died when I was fifteen, drug overdose. My new father 'the jerk' got full custody over me and my brother, but only because he got child support and had enough money so he did not have to work. The abuse got worse. I was at the street most of the time. I couldn't control my anger any longer and got caught up in fights more and more. I didn't give a shit about anything and anyone anymore. I have a lot of other problems but I won't give it away all at this point.

This story begins at the day I was sentenced to the Juvenile Boot camp Raising Hope in Utah I just turned seventeen years old. I was sentenced their till my eighteenth birthday at least but they could always hold me longer. They said I needed to learn how to behave I was addicted to drugs, dealt drugs , fought a lot and didn't obey any rules. The thing I was sentenced for although was that I almost killed my stepfather he laid a hand on me again and I couldn't take it anymore I just snapped. But I didn't tell the court I was too ashamed I kept silent and didn't say a word why I did it. I didn't show any remorse for what I'd done so they gave me a choice to the grown up joint Juvie wouldn't do it I had been there numerous times, or go to a Juvenile Boot Camp. I chose the latter so they send me to one of the hardest most cruel camps in the world Raising Hope.


	2. Chapter 2

**Camp Raising Hope**

I sat on the bus which would bring me to the camp. I really had nothing, I had the clothes I wore, I had mine and my father's army "dog tag' necklace on, a picture of my baby brother and a black rosary in my pocket. Then I had a watch on which rated my heartbeat and a doctor's note in my pocket. I have a heart condition called HCM.

That were all the belongings I owned I had nothing else. I knew they would got me like some sort of prison clothes at the camp. I heard it was a boot camp we were supposed to go to school there and there was a lot of physical exercise which I didn't mind at all I was pretty good in sports only had one little problem which I knew I had to fess up to someone. Else It could mean my death but I wouldn't let them break or beat me. I wasn't going to break for no one I was going to be a rebel they would forever remember my name.

We arrived at the camp there were like six other persons in the bus who were also handcuffed four guys and another girl. I chatted with the girl she was send here by her parents because they thought she had issues partying and drinking too much. I sighed poor kid. The boys where all tough one of them had been here before and said it was hell. We arrived and were drilled to line up "chop, chop" a major yelled. While the officer who drove the bus un cuffed us.

We were lined up. "My name is Major Damon". "From now one you are cadets". "You will reply to a person of the staff as major is that understood". We all nodded, "from now on if we ask you something you answer with the words Sir, yes, Sir understood". "Sir yes Sir" the boy who had been here before replied. "Alright rest of you give me twenty pushups chop , chop". I watched the man before me flabbergasted, while the rest started to do the pushups. "What do you think you are doing cadet get down and do your pushups" he yelled at me. "No" I simply replied. "You afraid to break a nail cadet". "No sir" I replied. "It's just not fair to let us do that for not replying to your standards at the first time". "Enough you do fifty" he yelled inches from my face "or your about to experience what real exercise pain feels like I could make it 500 is that clear". Better if you won't do it I make the rest do more pushups". "You have no idea what real pain is" I replied to him and went down doing my fifty pushups as fast as I could. I wouldn't let the others do more because of me. I saw him look at me while I did the pushups within the minute.

"Follow me" he yelled when we were finished. "Sir yes sir" we replied. We lined up in a big room with six empty tables in it. "Alright each of you stand before a table". "Take of your belongings and lay it on the table while me and major John take a look at it". Get everything out of your pockets if we find something while we search you, you are going to be very sorry". "Sir yes sir" we replied. I put the dog tag and the rosary together with the doctors note on the table I let the watch on because when I got it off my heartbeat was gone and the alarm went off.

Major Damon stood before my table together with major John. "What do you got cadet" he asked. Looking at John he said "this one is a rebel watch out for her she's going to be tough but not for long". We'll see about that I thought. "Why didn't you take your watch off, I thought I made myself clear, give me twenty one word and you do fifty again". "No" I replied. "Are you kidding me right now" he said angry, "take it off". "Can't do that sir", "you really like pushups don't you", "not really" I said. "Give me your arm". "Alright it's your party sir" I replied to him. He forcefully took my arm and removed my watch. As soon as it left my skin and his skin the alarm went off, "what the…." he replied "you think this is funny cadet give me fifty" he yelled. "Sir. No sir" I replied. "How do I get this thing to shut up"?. "Give it to me sir". He looked angry but gave the watch back to me. I did it on my wrist again and the alarm stopped, I gave him the doctors note.

He read it and I saw his eyes turn big. "Alright you can keep that watch on". "Yes sir" I replied trying to cover my laugh. "I give this note to the medical house you will visit after your settled". "Sir yes sir" I replied "alright what do you got more is that all a rosary and what's this". "It's my dog tag and my father's sir". "Military right what rank" he asked "second star Major General US army sir" I said with pride. "So did daddy send you", "no sir". "Didn't got the balls right to send his lovely daughter here, think of the shame" he smirked. Then I lost it my face had anger written all over it, I loved my father so much I couldn't hear how someone disgraced his name.

" Take that back" I yelled at him. "Did you just yell at me give me twenty" he said, "take it back" I said with an ice death voice. "Well soft spot I figure so who sent you here then?". "None of your damn business" I screamed while I slammed my hand on the table. He smirked again. Then something just snapped the anger took over and had me jumping over the table trying to hurt that freaking major. Before I got there major John held me tight, I knew how to get out but guessed I would be in much more trouble, so I held still. But to be honest I felt really uncomfortable being touched by him. Let go of me I snarled, major John replied by letting me loose but keeping a sharp eye on me.

"So cadet" major Damon continued "you come with me and we do some nice physical exercise to get that anger out of you" he took my arm. "Don't touch me" I said to him, he smirked and let go of me. He guided me out of the room and left all my stuff out in the open. "My dog tag's give it to me" I begged "no maybe later, or not at all" he smirked, "no" I said and froze "give it to me" I said with a begging voice "it's all I have left". He looked me in the eyes and sighed he took it with him. "I'll keep it for now you have to earn it back".

He led me outside and said "cadet Atwood you are a pain in the ass, you've been here for thirty minutes and you rebelled a numerous times already, thereby you tried to use violence on me, that will not be tolerated here". "So you are going to run laps till I say you can quit". "Sir yes sir" I replied, I would do anything to get the tags back, I thought.

"So first start with five laps". When I came back he asked: "tired cadet" "no sir" I replied. "Do five more then" he said. I came back after I did the laps, "why don't you refuse now you could easy refuse, where is the rebel girl". Oh I know you already learned your lesson it will be worse when you refuse". "No sir". "Then why don't you put up a struggle?" "Because you have my most precious possession in your hands". "I know that you can use it against me but I will not stop before I collapse to get it back".

Major Damon's POV:  
Rebellious kid I hate kids that rebel from the first moment on. I could see this girl was not going to be easy. She wouldn't be easy to break but I'm going to make it my goal to fix her. I have to play though for now and be mean they have to see we are serious here. The dog tag hit a nerve and she showed a first sign of weakness. She would do anything for it. "Give me five" I said after she said she would collapse for the tag.

I read the doctors note although she would never admit it she had a pretty serious condition and I had to watch out with pushing her. "Tired" I asked when she came back "no sir you are never going to hear me say that, now give me my god dammed stuff back you have no right". "Actually I have every right" I smirked "and that big mouth gave you twenty pushups". "So what would you daddy think if he knew your behaving this way now" I asked her. "Shall we give him a call" I smirked. "You may give it a try but you won't succeed as long as you're not the holy lord which I guess you're not" she answered cold. "Yeah I'll try", "you can't" she said, "and why not" I asked.

I think I knew what she meant by now but I had to hear it from herself that was the first step in her process. "Because he is death" she replied softly. "I know" I replied I gave her the tag and the rosary "I just had to hear it from you" I explained. "Now give me five more laps and meet me inside". This girl can do a lot I thought most people would have given in after 10 laps beg me to not do more she did fifteen going on twenty and she's sick wow. The boys are going to have some serious competition.

My POV:  
I was once again flabbergasted crap he's testing me. I have to build my walls stronger I can't let them go down again. This is bullshit I hate everyone here. I came back after my five laps I did six just to screw with him I saw him look he'd noticed, good. He guided me to major John, "here do all the girls sleep" major John said "this is your bed, I suggest you are going to sleep breakfast will be at 7:00". "Sir yes sir" I replied. I fell down in my bed I was tired as hell but would never admit it although I thought I never would.

Major Damon's POV:**  
**I went to the doctors clinic with the piece of paper the girl gave me. "Doc would you please take a look at this it's from one of the cadets". "Alright pretty serious" he said. "Well I need to see her tomorrow or the day after and give her a physical exam". "We also need a staff talk about how to handle when something happens" "alright tomorrow then". I replied.


	3. Chapter 3

**One of those days  
**

_My POV:_  
I woke up because the morning bell was ringing, we had to get ready for breakfast. After that we would have to go to class. But I just couldn't get out of my bed damn, it was one of those days. I was usually very strong and could do anything but I had some days I was feeling weak. Never in-between always the one extreme or the other. It had something to do with my heart I knew that for sure. The other girls went on and the girl I sat in the bus with said "aren't you coming, you know you will be in big trouble if they find out you are still in bed", " I know I said but I just like to sleep for a couple minutes" I smirked knowing I lied. "Alright" she said "suite yourself". The truth was I couldn't get out of bed let alone stand or walk, I felt miserable it was one of those days.

_Major Damon's POV:_  
She was not in class the rebel, I hadn't seen her at dinner I recalled. So I go look at the bedroom dorm I thought. There I saw her lay in bed "the spoiled brad" I sighed.  
"What do you think you are doing" I yelled, "get your ass out of the bed cadet Atwood and well right now".

_My POV:_  
I opened my eyes slowly because I heard yelling major Damon stood in front of me "crap" I sighed. "What are you doing cadet get your ass up right now" he yelled. "No sir" I replied with a weak voice "I can't". "There will be consequences" "I know" I replied "give them later not now, I want to sleep, I'm tired". "Out" he yanked the blankets of me. "Get up and give me ten pushups". "Sir no" I replied. "Fifty get up". Better do it before I have to do more I thought. I stood up and saw that I was shaking but tried to hide it. Fail I thought I saw him look at me very weird.

I knew I was pale white but I went down and started the pushups by eight I collapsed on the ground. I got up and collapsed again almost immediately. "What are you doing cadet" the major asked, I kept going and collapsed again after two pushups. "Aright stop cadet", "no" I grinned I went on and collapsed again I had to do 37 more. "Stop cadet" he said again, "no sir" I replied "why not" he asked curiously, "you are obviously ill". "I won't stop because then you win, I won't let you win" I groaned when I collapsed again. He took my arm and put me on the bed I stiffened by the touch and jerked away, "I said stop cadet, that is an order" he said. "Let me finish" I almost begged, "not in that state you can finish later" he promised me. "So next time when you feel sick you tell someone and go to the doctor's office". "I'm not sick sir" I replied, "you'll never admit that right" he replied, shit he was already on to me I thought.

"Come on" he told me "the doctor already requested for you so it's going to be an early visit". "With a growl I stood up but was shaking hard. I tried to stand on my feet but almost collapsed to the ground wasn't it for him catching me. "Come on" he sighed helping me walk to the office.  
"I can walk myself" I grinned back. "Don't touch me", "ok the hard way then I guess it is" he sighed. He released me from his hold and I took a few steps I was dizzy as hell but I wouldn't give up. I grabbed on to a wall, "give me a sec" I told him, then I continued to walk I wouldn't let him escort me. I could do it on my own.

I felt death when I sat on the doctors examination table. "Ok I have some questions for you" the doctor said. "Especially general questions about family history and your physical health at this point". "Do I have to" I nagged. "Cadet" I heard major Damon say angry. "Alright" I sighed.  
"What was your father's cause of death?": "Killed on duty" I said.  
"Did he have any health issues?": "Not that I know of".  
"What was your mother's cause of death?": "Drug overdose".  
"Did she have any health issues?": "Drink too much, do too much drugs". "What do you think?"  
"Don't be a smart ass cadet" major Damon said. "Screw you" I yelled at him. "Alright you earned 20 extra pushups for cursing at me", "fine". "Bring it on" I said while I got off the bed and started to do the pushups. "Hell no cadet" major Damon said, "get up now he yelled". I did already ten pushups when I collapsed again. He got me up and put me on the bed again, "don't touch me" I groaned.

"Continue" he said to the female doctor.  
"When have you've been diagnosed with HCM": "five years ago".  
"What medication do you take": "a shot once a week".  
"How many shot's did you miss the past years?": "Half of it probably".  
"Do you use drugs?": "none of your business".  
"Which drugs?": -  
"How do you use?": -  
"How do you feel at this moment?": "Like crap".  
"How did you feel yesterday?": "Just fine".

"Could you just leave me alone no offence but I just need to lay down sleep or whatever". "It's just one of those days all will be fine tomorrow".  
"One of those days" the doctor replied "you have this more often" "yes" I said. "How many times ?", "twice a month maybe three times I think" I answered honest.  
"Ok I'll give you a full physical exam", "well that's my cue" major Damon said, "I'll wait outside, behave" he said to me with a serious face. "Doctor can I speak you outside for a minute" he said to the doctor.

___Major Damon's POV:_  
"Doctor" I said "would you please check her up for bruises anything and give me the report". "She is a pain in the ass and very rebellious but she's terrified of physical contact". "I will" the doctor replied.  
The doctor came back about ten minutes later. "Her heartbeat is a little slow but I gave her a shot, she should be ok tomorrow or the day after". "She cannot do any physical training at this point". "I checked her she has some old needle trace marks and cutting scars on her arms, she also has cigarette burns". "I wanted to look at the rest of her body but she refused". "She said why what's the point".  
"Alright then I'll make her show it". "Alright come back in, the doctor said".

"Cadet do you self harm yourself" I asked. No answer, I repeated "cadet you have a lot of pushups in store why not ad twenty". "I won't answer you what's the point you knowing" she asked. "Alright cadet the doctor has to listen to your heartbeat again, she did it on the front the next one is on the back". She sighed "alright", the doctor lifted the shirt and listened to the heartbeat.  
"Alright cadet you are done get your shoes on and major Damon will escort you back you will stay in bed today" "yes m'am" she replied. I was taken outside by the doctor "she has old and fresh scars on her back". "That's impossible to inflict by itself". Alright the rebel was abused now I only had to find out on which ways and how bad. She might inflict herself pain and wouldn't admit it.

She came walking out of the door very careful I tried to confiscate her arm so she could walk more easily but she pulled it back and I thought I saw a twinge of fear in her eye before it went back to its usual fuck the world stage. "Alright you hungry" I asked "you didn't have breakfast". "Yes sir" she said. "Alright well I have a drill to attend, I'll get someone to bring you food afterwards you're not allowed to leave your bed, only for a bathroom visit". "Did I made myself clear", she nodded, "did I make myself clear". "Sir yes sir" she replied but not with the strength she did before. "Alright get your rest you need it a lot of pushups left" I smirked.

_Major Stefan's POV:_  
I walked with a trade of food into the girls dorm room. My brother had told me about the rebellious girl he said she was a pain in the ass a real rebel. But he feared she had been through a lot and that there was a lot of work needed to fix the girl. I had to wake her up even if she was sleeping, he insisted she had to eat. "Cadet" I said "wake up", no sign of waking up. "Cadet" I gently pushed her shoulder "wake up", I felt her stiffen by the touch and her eyes flew open. "Don't touch me" she said.

"Sit up" I replied, "you need to eat this understood", "sir yes sir" she replied yawning. "You're his brother right" she asked, "who's brother?" "The pain in the ass major". "How would you say we don't look alike". "I heart from the others that there was some major Stefan who worked here with his big brother Damon so I guess that would be you". "That would be me now eat". "When you're finished you can put the trade on the ground someone will collect it". "Sir yes sir" she replied simply.


	4. Chapter 4

**If you'll ever touch me again I will kill you**

MY POV:  
I was back to normal the next day and sighed when I went to the breakfast chamber with my new friend (the girl I met in the bus). "So she said I didn't see you yesterday, what did they do to you?" "Well" I said "I was sick and I had to go to the doctor because I have a stupid heart disease so I had like a full check up". "Oh" she said, "that sucks". I followed her to the eating area and we sat down at the table. We were not alone about sixty other people aged fifteen, sixteen, seventeen and even eighteen sat down eating in the room.

We all had the same orange jumpers on. I saw three of the majors walking around the area they wore black jeans and t- shirts with on the back of the shirt written staff in white. There were also other guys walking around in white. "Who are they" I asked the girl. "Well the ones in black they are in charge, the ones in white help them and do the dirty work". Another girl joined in the conversation "yeah the ones in white are easy they only act when the majors say so". "They can't do anything without one of the majors consent".

" How many majors are there here". "Well there are six or seven but mostly the same four are here or at least those are the ones we see". "They are majors Damon and Stefan", "the brothers right" I asked, "yeah indeed" she replied. "Major John, that's the one with the long orange hear" "yeah I saw him the day we arrived". "And then there is Major Frank, he's the oldest but I think he's kind of scary, righteous but scary" the girl said. "How old are they" I asked the girl. "Major John I guess is in his mid thirties, major Damon end twenties and I guessed major Stefan is like twenty three or something like that". "Major frank would be round fifty".

After dinner I walked outside to go to class and was kind of lost, so I walked somewhere where I wasn't supposed to be. In an instant I heard behind me, "Cadet what do you think you are doing here, you are not supposed to be here at this time of day, you supposed to be in class". I saw it was an old major which I assumed was major Frank. I looked at him and said, "how do I know that I'm not supposed to be here, no one told me so, and to be honest I have no clue where the classrooms are". "Don't play with me cadet you are new aren't you". "Yes sir" I replied "and you think you have a smart mouth". "Now give me ten pushups" "no" I said "I did nothing wrong I'm just lost".

Then major Damon came around the corner, "what is going on here" he asked, "why are you not in class cadet". "Well I'm trying to explain to this Loon over here that I'm lost and that I have no clue where the classroom is but he does not want to listen". "But instead keeps nagging about that I'm not supposed to walk here". "Cadet" major Damon said a bit angry, "I get that you are lost but you are working yourself in trouble by cursing, so you have 45 pushups left from yesterday if I'm correct and you get twenty on top of that for cursing to a person who is in charge of you".

" If I hear swearwords come out of your mouth again you are going to be a lot more sorry" he added. I eyed both the majors and then went down for the pushups while I did those I heard major Damon explain that I missed the tour due to a doctor's visit. When I was finished he said, "second right, last left and then the first right there is your class room now chop, chop go to class".

Major Damon's POV:  
I talked to major Frank about the girl. "She's a real rebel she will not obey easily but I have a feeling she wears a mask every day". "She has built walls which she will not let down easily". "I'm making it my job to find out all about her and getting her fixed up". Major Frank looked at me and said "you are doing a good job kid, but also watch out for yourself, don't get yourself in too deep I don't want it to be in the way of your own recovery…" "But you're on lead with physical exercise today together with your brother make them work". "Yes sir" I replied. Although we had the same rank I really respected him a lot and he knew it. He's a good friend of my father. And he was one of the persons who helped me fight my own demons.

MY POV:  
School sucked it was quite easy but we also got a lot of homework we could do that tonight. But first we had physical exercise. Great I thought when I saw who was in charged. "Line up cadets" he said "and no talking what so ever, understood" he yelled. We lined up and I stood next to my friend and some huge ass big guy who thought he was though. "What's with the serious look sugar" he sight. "Kowalski give me ten" major Damon said. "I said no talking". He groaned and did the pushups. I was now officially annoyed with the guy. I heard major Stefan order some other kids to do pushups. I stayed quiet.

We started our drill which was running ten rounds around the sports field. After that we went to a storm rage and we had to complete it five times. It was really hard and I saw a lot of kids especially girls break down and quit. I however wouldn't quit. I saw both the majors wore watches which were exact copies of mine. Their watch would go off when mine did so they knew what happened. They probably had an emergency course last night. Major Damon was nagging all those who just couldn't take it anymore and quitted. "So you can rest for ten minutes and then we'll have a special surprise for the quitters" he yelled. Major Stefan drilled the ones who didn't give up to the last exercise of the day sit ups we all had to do two hundred he said. When we were finished we watched the ones who failed doing pushups, sit ups and squads. While major Damon drilled them. "You're weak, In here you aren't though I suppose" he smirked.

After two harsh hours we were lined up again. I stood again next to Kowalski. He was nagging at me and I couldn't hold my anger anymore. He grabbed my ass and I lost it I attacked him and started to pump my fist into his face while I worked him on the ground before I could do anything else I felt strong arms lifting me of Kowalski, major Stefan held me while major Damon held Kowalski up. "If you ever touch me again I'll kill you" I said to Kowalski with a ice cold stare in my eyes. "Let go of me, don't touch me" I yelled at major Stefan "no" he said "you have to calm down".  
"Rest of you follow me back inside" he said while he handed me over to major Damon, "Uh Kowalski" Damon said "you are going to stay here too". "Let go of me" I hissed at major Damon "now", "no" he said. I started to struggle but thought I could better use my freeing trick in a more urgent situation, although I was feeling really uncomfortable with someone touching me. "Now tell me what is going on here".

"She just attacked me man she's crazy" Kowalski said. Major Damon looked at me and asked "what is your story". "If he ever touches me again I'll kill him". "What's wrong with you" Kowalski asked "I just smacked your ass". "Alright I'm going to release you now don't try anything", "I won't" I replied. "Now give me 100 pushups you two, no I have a better idea we make it a race the loser does 50 more". Of course I won easy I did in 1.40 he took 2 minutes. I felt good when he had to do fifty more. "Kowalski you can go now if I hear again that you are grabbing people I'm going to make your stay her a living hell, comprendo" he said.

"You" he said "your coming with me", "Why can't I just go" I nagged. He sighed "you really like pushups do you give now me 10". I stood still and looked at him, he sighed again "you do your pushups now he said else they will raise very quickly". I did the pushups and came back up. "Your indestructible right" he sighed. "Can I ask you a question sir" I asked, "yes you can" he replied "where are we going" I asked while I had a sign of fear in my eyes again. I think he had noticed it shit I thought. "To the director every violence incident has to be reported"." Great" I said to myself.

We entered the director's office "sir" major Damon said, "this cadet has been in a fight, I came to report". "Thank you major". "Speak up" he said to me "why did you fight", "the guy grabbed me sir" I answered. "Is that a reason to fight", "Yes sir" I answered. "What's your name?" "cadet Atwood" I recalled. "Well your file here says your arrested for dealing and assault numerous times there's a lot of violence in here". "What was your punishment for the fight ?" "100 pushups sir" I replied. "Good because this is your first fight I'll let it go this way". "But don't dare to come back in here for fighting, or you are in trouble". "Sir yes sir" I replied.

I walked outside with major Damon. "So daddy's in charge" I laughed at him, "why would you say that" he asked "duh there is a picture of a man with two young boys the oldest with hell blue eyes and the other with hell green eyes in his room" "You think I didn't notice". "Your quite the observed type aren't you" he replied. "Now get inside and do your homework before I let you do ten more pushups for your smartass".

Damon's POV:  
Her eyes were full of hate when she attacked Kowalski she was strong. But she was scared when I was alone with her in the woods although she would never admit it. And she scanned every room place we came in looking for get away routes. I was concerned about the girl she hit a soft spot with me. "What's on your mind brother" Stefan asked when he came in. "I have to figure her out". "She's always strong she kept saying if you touch me again I'll kill you and I saw a glimpse of fear in her eyes tonight when I was alone with her on our way to report her fight to father". "She hides her body almost everyone wears t shirts she has long sleeves always". "I'm going to find out what she is hiding".

**So what happened to major Damon, what are his demons, stick to the story and you will find out.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Uh oh, I'm screwed****  
**  
My POV:  
Damn, I was broken when I lay in my bed. My arms were heavy as hell but I would never admit it. I finally fell asleep and it looked like a minute later when I was woken up I heard some noises coming from the boys dorm, I thought it was 7:00 time to get breakfast. But it was something else because I it was only 6:00. After a few seconds two majors and a lot of people in white shirts came flown into our room. I figured out after a few minutes that it was a room check. We were literally jacked off our beds. Major Stefan commanded us to stay against the wall in the hall faced to that wall. "I order you to stay in this position until we say different" he said. "Did you get that" he yelled when he didn't get the response he wanted, "Sir yes sir" we answered.

We had to wait outside on the wall for an hour while they searched our dorm which I shared with nine other girls. There were about fifty people at the camp the other 40 were all boys. They also stood in the exact same position we stood in, faced to the wall. I was scared because I had some ecstasy pills hidden in between my pillow, shit I thought I'm screwed. All the girls were put into a separate room. We had to face the wall again. Then I heard people coming in I recognized the voices as in major Frank and major Stefan. "Ok" major Stefan said, "you will remain to stand and facing the wall, we found some illegal stuff in your dorm room". "We will take the people we think are responsible for it with us". "Don't try to do anything about it, we are going to handcuff these persons as standard procedure".

They walked through the room and I felt major Stefan's hands on my wrists "put them behind your back" he said. I did so and he handcuffed me. After a minute or so, major Frank spoke up, "alright, the ones who didn't get cuffed can go back to their dorms put on some clothes and go have breakfast". "School is suspended today same as physical exercise". "You will go back to your room after breakfast and remain there". "So off you go now". "Ok turn around" Major Stefan said. I saw cadets Levitt and Bennett also got cuffed.

"Were so screwed" Levitt whispered to me "I know" I answered. "No talking" major Frank roared. I was escorted outside by major Stefan while major Frank escorted the other two. When we came across the boys room I saw major Damon and John together with a major I'd never seen holding the boys in the room facing the wall. I locked eyes with major Damon and he shook his head with disappointment. We were all put in an apart holding cell. I sat there for what looked like two hours. Then Major Damon came in he didn't say anything he summand me to get up and escorted me to a large room Major Frank and Major Stefan were in the room I also saw five boys , and the other two girls sitting there each one of them on a chair, the chairs had a huge distance in-between. He un cuffed me and talked briefly with majors Stefan and Frank who were also in the room then they sat themselves behind a huge table.

They started to call out our names and then we were all confronted with the evidence they found, what surprised me was that they all denied. "No that is not my stuff I kept it for someone". "No it can't be possible that it's mine". I was the last in the row, "cadet Atwood are this your pills we found" major Frank held up my pills and asked the question. "Sir yes sir" I answered. "Alright so you confess" major Stefan asked. "Yes" I said "what's the point in denying you all know they are mine". "You found them in my pillow". "You are smart you know that", major Stefan said, "the others of you can make an example out of this cadet". "Not from her behavior because believe me you are all eight really stupid for thinking we wouldn't catch you". "Thereby why would you do it, it stands in the way of your own recovery". "But to also lie afterwards, we found the evidence in your bed" . "So thereby we find you all guilty". "For cadet Atwood you have a week of community service for two hours between eight and ten p.m.". "The others will do two weeks and for now the girls will follow major Stefan for their punishment drill". "The boys will follow major Damon and myself", major Frank said. "Sir yes sir" we all replied.

We went outside were it rained, "I want ten laps from each of you", "sir yes sir" we replied. "But there is a but in it if one of you will not make It in between twenty two minutes you will do it over and over again". I knew I would get it easy but I wasn't sure of the others so I coached them and ran with them it was hard but we finished in 21.50. "You were in time, congratulations" major Stefan said," impressive work cadet Atwood, if you didn't help them they would never make it in time". "This is called team work". "You'll do fifty pushups now and follow me inside". "Then you have completed your physical exercise".

We were all put in a holding cell again. Everyone was swearing and mad for getting caught. Then the three majors came back in. The four people that had weapons in their bed had to follow major Frank and Major Stefan. They were put in isolation for a few nights. While the four who did drugs including myself followed major Damon. We would all participate in a physical exam and would have unannounced urine controls. So another girl named Levitt, two guys and I followed major Damon.

"So you think your smart doing drugs, what were you thinking you wouldn't get caught around here". "You'll go in one by one if I hear something about not behaving inside I will reassure you, you are in a lot of trouble". While the last went in I knew I was next. When the last guy came out major Damon ordered the others to follow major Stefan who had just arrived, "they will all spend one night and day in complete isolation" he ordered.

"So" he turned his head towards me, "I will accompany you inside", "why" I asked "that's not fair you didn't go in with the others". "Can't you just leave me alone". "Get in there get that damn exam and let me go to an isolation cell so I can sleep or do whatever". "No that is not possible" he said "because there needs to be someone presence for every one of your medical visits because of your heart condition". "And I have to be here especially today because we have a few concerns". That doesn't sound good I thought. "Which concerns" I asked. "You will hear about that once we are inside" he replied.

"Well you know doing drugs in your condition isn't very smart now is it" the doctor said. "Tell me something new" I nagged. "Cadet" the major sighed. "What is it with you and having a word against everything we say". "Alright I will skip to the point" the major said. "I want you to take off your shirt". "What, why" I said, "because you have to, we order you to do that, because we say so and we got some questions for you". " No I won't", I replied. "Ok I will be honest with you" major Damon said, "while the doctor gave you a physical exam a few days back we found wounds on your arms and on your back". "We want to take a closer look to them". "Like hell I'm going to release that shirt". "You have no right". "Actually we have every right to do so" he said. "No, no, no fuck off".

"Cadet you are going to release that shirt and quick" the major said, "I am getting out of patience". "No you can't make me". "No way in hell". "If you don't hurry I'll take the shirt off myself is that understood". "If you only nearly touch me I'll hit you". "Are you threatening me cadet" he said angry. "No, only informing what I will do if you touch me". "Cadet give me twenty pushups and then release your shirt". I started the pushups like hell I'm going to take my shirt off I thought. "Ok cadet I'm going to have to restrain you so the doctor can take your shirt off" the major said. "I'm sorry there is no other way". "Don't touch me" I said again, I saw him coming so I scooped away and tried to run but the door was locked. "Cadet come here" the major said "you can't get out the doors are locked and it's the two of us against you". I felt I started to panic.

I flew forwards and tried to attack major Damon but had no change not today while I was weak from a lot of physical exercise from this day and the day before. He had my arms confiscated really quick but I was still trying to fight it with all my might. "Ok enough" I heard him say "sedate her". "No" I yelled "don't you dare". "It's for your own good" he replied. "Oh and check her blood pressure and heartbeat, while you are at it". The doctor came on with an syringe "no please don't sedate me" I begged, "I will stop please don't" I cried out scared. Major Damon looked into my eyes and I knew what he say, my walls were all down, he could look deep into my soul. Panic was written all over my face. "Ok" he ordered "restrain her, but if you try one thing in between we are going to have to sedate you".

Pff I wouldn't lose conscience now I thought. The major escorted me to a hospital bed in which he laid me down and put bands on my arms. "I will leave the foot things off but I will give the doctor permission to put them on if you are trying something". "I'll be back in two hours then we talk further" he replied, "so you have some time to cool off". "And you will get the shirt off". I didn't say anything I just closed my eyes and felt a tear escape I was so scared although I wouldn't admit it. I hoped he had missed the tear but that was soon gone when he used a napkin to wipe it off my cheek. "Rest" he said to me.

Major Damon's POV:  
Damn that's the… time I lost count she was here for not even a week and she had been in trouble numerous times. And then the drugs and her being though and strong. But I saw fear it was obvious. And that tear it was obvious she was scared and sad but I thought she would never admit that.  
I went to my father for advice. I told him the situation "what do I have to do" I asked him. "Proceed how you are going your doing a good job son". "It's you mission to help this girl". "But please my son" he said, "don't go in to deep". "Think about yourself". "Yes father I will think about myself thank you". "I'm a big boy you know" I said sarcastic. "Don't react that way I'm just concerned about you" my father said. "You're doing so well right now don't let anything change that".

MY POV:  
I lay still restrained when major Damon came in. "You're calmed down" he asked I nodded. He pulled the strains off. "Sit down" he nodded to the table I lay on earlier. "You know the only way you're getting out of this room is when you obey to what we say and answer our questions". "I'll put my shirt off but you can't make me answer all your questions". "Agreed that is a start" the major said. I slowly pulled my shirt off but had troubles to get it over my head because of the exercises compared with the abuse I underwent. So major Damon helped me, when he touched me I duck away, and felt uncomfortable. "Turn your back to us" he said soft. I was scared and humiliated when they saw my back. "Ok cadet I am going to touch your back and arms now" major Damon said. I scooped away a little and he just said, "it's ok don't be afraid I am not going to hurt you". I relaxed a bit after he said that. "Cadet who did this to you" his second question was.

I didn't answer. "Cadet" he tried again, "please don't make me answer" I said. "Turn back" he said "lay your arms out". There were cigarette burns, needle traces and cut marks on my arms. "Did you do this to yourself" he asked, I looked at him all my strength was gone. "Ok we'll talk about it some other time" he said. "Get dressed I'll take you back to the group". "What about the holding cell" I asked, "I think you were punished enough today" he replied. "But don't get me wrong what you did today was wrong". "And we talk later about the wounds on your back and arms." I just looked at him, while building my walls back up again.

I lay in my bed and cried myself to sleep afterwards but quiet so no one could hear me. Today was officially the worst day. And now my drugs were gone and I hadn't had any in three days so I'd probably had detox systems tomorrow or the day after crap. Thereby he knew he knew I was abused I could see it in his eyes. He even knew I was afraid of touching. He said I didn't have to be scared, and I had to talk to him. Damn it.


	6. Chapter 6

**The escape******

**A few days later****  
**  
My POV:  
I lay in my bed, it was about ten o'clock just before the lights went out, I was tossing and turning. Then a thought came in my head. I had it I didn't like it on the camp anymore I decided to go away I would escape I was desperate. I was going away. I made up my mind I didn't mind what would happen to me. I didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't take anything with me. It was really kind of an impulse. I didn't think it through that might have been the reason I got caught really soon.

But whatever I had no clue what I was doing. I made a plan to get out of the institution, then I would be in the woods and there probably was a town a couple miles further on the road. I would work there and get money to fly to the few people in my life I cared about.  
I went away when it was dark I had no clue what I was doing. I took off and got outside but there where gates everywhere, I began to panic and ran around. Damn it I thought where can I get out.

Major Damon's POV:  
I was checking the bedroom dorms when I found out cadet Atwood was nowhere in sight. I went to the toilets and checked out the shower area. I called the majors together and ordered a search in which we closed the other kids in and left the care by the other leaders.  
After ten minutes we came to the conclusion she was not inside and went outside, we had flashing lights and someone was monitoring in a big room. I got a call that she was in the left corner of the property and called it back to the others. We formed a banner on that side and it was four against one.

MY POV:  
I escaped from the building about fifteen minutes ago but I still hadn't find an exit to get of the ground. I became more desperate by the minute. Then I heard a voice behind me "what are you doing cadet" it was major Frank. "Go away" I yelled, "cadet come on, you can't escape it's impossible". "I found her" he said in a walky talky I took that instant to run away as hard as I could. A few minutes later I had no clue where I was but I kept running. My path was suddenly blocked by major John who confiscated my wrist and tried to bring me inside. I screamed "get your hands off of me". He didn't let go of me, so I kicked around and was punching in pure rage. When that didn't get much result I used one of my freeing techniques and got free.

I ran away again when I saw major Stefan before me and major Damon behind me. I ran harder and screamed while they both caught me. The other majors came running in and they all confiscated me while I screamed wiggled and punched/kicked around me. I wouldn't give up I felt how I kicked someone in the stomach and saw major Stefan go down. I kicked and punched further till I was almost empty, I still screamed major Frank was on top of me while major John confiscated my feet. They all waited till I was calm they let loose of me a bit, that was their mistake I used my last strength to set myself free and ran away again into the darkness, I found a small room in between two houses. I knew I was trapped but hoped/thought they would run past it. Then I broke down and rocked myself back and forth.

Major Damon's POV:  
I saw the rebel hide in between the two houses the other majors ran past it. I ran after them and ordered them to stop. I got them together and whispered where she was. I decided that it was wise to approach her slowly and talk to her. I would talk to the girl while the others blocked the exit. I rather had her coming with us on her own. I felt kind of bad for her when I saw she was desperate and she was really scared. We closed in on her I saw she was crying and rocking back and forth. I went forward so she could see me. I saw her eyes turn big and desperately looking for ways to escape. The tears where immediately gone and she hid behind her walls again. "There is no way out" I told her calmly. "Mind if I sit with you". I walked slowly towards her. "Don't come any closer" she said when I was a few meters away from her. "Alright" I said "then I stay here".

MY POV:  
I was shocked when they found me that soon. I build my walls up again but couldn't hide that I was scared. I almost flipped again but was put at ease as he sat down. When I sat there I finally felt I was cold I only had a shirt on and it was almost freezing outside. I hadn't felt it before because of the adrenalin rushing through my body.  
I started to shake, I hoped he wouldn't notice but he did. "You know it's way too cold for you to sit here like this". "You are going to catch a cold". "Don't care" I said, "why can't you just let me go". "Why would you want to go, you wouldn't survive it's much too cold out here and you have nothing with you". "I don't care" I said angry. "You know we are only here to help you right" he said. While he said that he took his coat of and threw it towards me. I ignored it at first but he insisted. "Put it on, right now"

"Here's what we are going to do, I'm going to take your arm and escort you back inside". "No you are not going to come any closer" I panicked. "Cadet" he sight "it's this way or the other, which contains all four of us" mentioning to the other majors who were behind him. He stood up and came closer I started to panic, but also felt how my last strength flew away and I felt dizzy and weak. "No don't come any closer" I begged and I felt my tears stream. I scooped away in the corner but couldn't get further. He took my arm and I stiffed right at that moment, "no don't" I begged "don't". "Get up" he said I didn't respond. He pulled me on my feet and escorted me out of the little gap I was in. The others circled around us. I had trouble walking and was tired I tried to free me from major Damon's grip but failed miserably, the others came and took a hold of me. I felt myself go in and out of conciseness and fell on my knees. I heard them talk to me but I was in no place to respond. Then everything went black.

Major Damon's POV:  
She collapsed on the ground, I felt her pulse and reckoned that she was very cold. We brought her to the doctor's office and I restrained her on a comfortable bed. Just in case she would wake up and try to escape again. I couldn't have that risk. When I left her in the room I found my brother. "Hey bro" he said, "you did a good job tonight, you gained her trust a little bit". "You handled the situation well". " Thank you" I said. "But now I need some time, I need to think and I have to get my mind to something else"."Would you please talk with her tomorrow, about why she did it and brief that through to me". "Yes of course I will do that" he replied. "Try to sleep brother" he said, "ok, thanks man I owe you". "Everything for you, you know that".

My POV:  
I woke up in the infirmary restrained I felt terrible stupid I didn't feel like fleeing anymore I acted on impulse stupid me I thought. I didn't want to face the majors so I closed my eyes again. I heard a door open and someone sat on a chair next to my bed I hoped it was not major Frank I hated that dude. But it was stupid what I did. I felt like fleeing and on impulse I did that I became raged I was so angry I couldn't stop. I had to punch kick scream etc. I remember I had hit major John and major Stefan badly I even recall seeing major Stefan go down for a minute or so I knew I kicked him well but I hated I rather had kicked major Frank. I didn't dare to open my eyes then a voice from the chair came. "Cadet I know you are awake". It was major Stefan's voice.

I opened my eyes and turned my head towards him. "Sorry I hurt you" I said. "What happened to you cadet" he asked. "Did you really think that you could escape this ground and we wouldn't catch you". "And what were you going to do if you escaped". He asked me all these questions which on none I knew the answer. "I don't know why I did it I didn't think it through I was kind of desperate and handled on impulse". "Then you came after me and I panicked and got angry". "The anger became rage and I couldn't stop myself". " I had to fight to get loose and kind of hit you all". "I'm sorry".

"I know that you're sorry but sorry isn't going to cut it". "You were like a total different person when you were so upset". "You have a lot of drills heading you're way for your behavior tonight, thereby we will get you into the anger management group here". "Ok" I said, "you go to sleep now" he told me. "If you behave we will get those things of off you tomorrow" . "But I'll behave" I said "this isn't necessary anymore" I said to him, "maybe not but we have a protocol so just to be sure you have to keep restrained". "Go to sleep" he said again.

I fell asleep and woke up in the early morning. I felt how someone took the restrains of my arms and legs and saw major Damon. "So" he said "you calmed down a bit". "Yeah" I said "I calmed down". "That was incredible stupid of you, major Stefan gave us an update on your talk so you know yourself that it wasn't really smart what you did". "I know but I just got really angry". "I'll see you at one and we get to work on that anger problem of yours". "In the form of a lot of physical exercise" .

Major Damon's POV:**  
**I was really kind of upset from her behavior, she wanted to flee. I did not see that coming. I went to my father again for an update in the situation. In this he told me he wanted major John to take care of the physical punishment she was about to get. "I want you to lay low for a while" he said. "I asked your brother to keep a closer look at you". "But dad…", "no buds" he said "it's for your own good". "Oh and son" he gave me an empty tube "you know what to do with this". "Dad", "don't dad me I want you to give me a sample back in five minutes". "Can I trust you or do I have to follow you to the toilet". I sighed and did what my dad ordered me to do.

MY POV:  
I expected major Damon to give me my routine for physical exercise. But I was out of luck I saw major John standing there. He looked kind of pissed. When I was finished I knew he didn't only look pissed he was pissed. I was barely conscience when I went back to my dorm. I stumbled towards the bed and fell asleep immediately.**  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**Detox?!******

The next day  
MY POV:  
I tried to avoid the mayors today I was pretty close I laid low on physical exercise but major Damon came with major John to the girls dorm for a room check later. While he was talking and looking I couldn't keep myself from shaking due to the lack of drugs in my system. I saw that major Damon saw it too. Damn it, but luckily he didn't say something about it. Although I'm afraid I'm going to have trouble with it because I will probably get it in physical exercise too. I feel weak now, I didn't sleep last night and I used a lot of my strength the last couple days.

So the next day I barely made it through school I was happy when it was over. Too bad we had physical exercise. We stood in line and Kowalski stood next to me, "you're shaking in fear aren't you hot stuff" he teased. "You wish" I grinned. "Cadet Atwood cadet Kowalski give me 10" major Stefan said "no talking in line". I did the pushups but it was almost too much I was shaking all over. "Ok you will all complete fifteen laps afterwards the last five boys and two girls get a nice punishment" major Stefan smirked so he's in charge today I guess. Damn I thought I will not make it for fifteen laps I'm going to be with the last girls.

After five laps I was shaking and I didn't feel good at all, my heartbeat was razing and I got dizzy. I started to tremble while my watch started to buzz and I knew both the majors felt it too. But I wouldn't gave in I would keep running till they pulled me out I'm no quitter. The problem was I was across the field from where they stood. I knew I wouldn't make it till there. Gladly I saw major Damon run in my direction. I will not give up I thought I'll keep running. My vision became blurry and I stumbled and fell but got up again. I ran further but then felt two arms confiscating my body.

"Come stop running", he said, "you had enough". He told me to sit down, I had no strength to fight him so I just collapsed on the ground. He gave me some water and checked my pulse. "Cadet talk to me" he said "what do you feel". "Dizzy" I said. I wouldn't tell him I was exhausted. I remarked that I was still shaking. "Ok I'll bring you to the doctor" he said. I didn't protest I knew I needed a doctor at this point. He helped me off the ground and asked me if I could walk. "Yeah I can" I said but even when he helped me I almost fell. My legs and my body were shaking uncontrolled and I couldn't walk anymore. "Cadet I'm going to carry you alright I want you to the doctor ASAP". I couldn't protest so he carried me bridal style off the field to the infirmary. Although I didn't protest when he carried me I felt really uncomfortable and I know he felt it too, I can't stop it, it's just something my body does it's a reflex.

I saw some people look damn there goes my reputation I'll settle that soon I thought. We walked passed major Stefan and major Frank who just arrived. "Be strong cadet" major Stefan said. "Those trips to the infirmary have to stop cadet, you know" major Damon said with a smile. I just smiled back, a very tiny smile.

An hour later I lay on a hospital bed in the infirmary while I was hooked on a heart machine and got extra oxygen to breath better. The doctor said I was probably in detox and I needed medication for that also I had too much physical activity the last days. That was probably true because of my smartass I had a lot of extra physical drill, a lot more than all the other kids. Major Damon came in and brought me dinner. I looked away from him full of shame he saw me once again at my weakest moment. He came sitting on my bed and I couldn't help but scoot away a bit.

"You know you're one screwed up kid" he said to me, "but it will all going to be alright". "We're going to fix you". "You know there comes a time you're going to love your life again". "I promise you". "How are you so certain about that" I asked him but I couldn't place anger/hate or annoyance in my voice. "Because I've been there". "I know you're a though one and I know you have to be strong to survive here". "But so you know if you ever wanted to talk I'm here, major Stefan is here". "Everyone is here for you to get better and make your stay as easy as possible". "I Know we act though and yeah we give you all a hard time but were also capable of listening and talking just so you know". "So I'll let you eat and sleep and I will check up on you later, o and no physical exercise tomorrow for you". "Thank you" I whispered when he left. I saw him smile "you're welcome".

Major Damon's POV:  
She let her guard down not much but she couldn't fight, she was to weak for it. And she actually said thank you, real rebels don't say thank you. They don't care. She acts that she doesn't care but that is something else. I'm concerned for her health and for her addiction. But I think it will go better once she trusts me more, I'll got a first glimpse of the real Tess. I had it a few days ago when I saw her scars but now I also saw it in her behavior.

MY POV:  
I didn't sleep that night I was tossing and turning and also sweating the doctor gave me something for the shaking and I was restless. So when the morning fell I was more tired than before. The doctor checked again and said "I'm going to keep you here today, you'll try to sleep you had a restless night I heard". "I'll ask for your breakfast afterwards you can sleep". Major Stefan came with my food, "how are you doing cadet?". " I'm doing fine" I lied. He looked at me very sharply. "Alright then get your rest" he said, "and enjoy your breakfast", "yes sir" I replied.

Major Stefan's POV:  
I asked the doctor how she was doing, she answered "not really good she had a restless night, tossing, turning, sweating, shaking". "I'll keep her at least today maybe she can go tomorrow". "But she is still pretty weak". "Alright thank you" I said to the doctor. "Oh major" the doctor said "I want to let a therapist talk to her about hearth things, possible abuse all sorts of stuff". "Could you ask if Major Damon will be there, someone has to stay in the room". "Sure I'll ask". So I blogged everything back to my brother, he agreed to be there.

MY POV:  
I finally slept for a few hours. Then I was suddenly awoken by two hands who softly touched my shoulder, I stiffened and impulsive slipped away with fear in my eyes. It was major Damon, "right no touching" he said, "but you wouldn't wake up otherwise I've been calling your name for the last two minutes". I was still dazed and confused "alright we give you a minute to wake up, don't fall asleep again you can sleep later alright". I nodded. Ok what does he want and who is the other guy I never seen him before ok don't act scared act tough I thought to myself. I lay on the bed trying to calm myself down I saw my heartbeat was slowly going down. Damn he must have seen my heartbeat raise when he woke me, shit.

They came back inside, "cadet" the major said "this is mister Yung, mister Yung is a therapist at our camp group, the doctor ordered him for you to see". "I don't need a therapist" I said. "Alright cadet, Atwood is your name right", I nodded. "Well everything you say in here stays between the three of us". "Only with your permission we talk about it with other people". "There's nothing to talk about" I said. I felt my tough act was fading and that I was shaking once more. "Well first the doctor is very concerned about your drug problem specially in your condition". "Who says I have a problem" I replied, "well they found drugs in your dorm room which belonged to you, you confessed at that", "yeah so what" I said.

"And they found traces of needles in your armpits". "So maybe that is something else" I said, "like from what" the doctor answered. "Maybe my heart shots" I said. "Well that's something I could think about but they are not supposed to be placed there". "And I know no doctor would ever do that". "So what" I nagged at him "would it be your problem if I used drugs". "No but it is a problem for your health and therefore it is our problem".

"You got detox symptoms". "So why bug me with it, it's pretty obvious I use drugs, you know it, I know it so why do you keep questioning me about it". "Because I want you to say it out loud". "Admit to the fact", "what's the point". "But if it makes you happy I'll say it out loud". "Yes I use drugs and yes it's not good for my health but you know what smoking isn't good either, walking under a bus is also not good". "So I still don't see the problem". "Alright that's how you feel". "So you made your first step admitting you have a problem". "I didn't say I had a problem I only said that I use drugs". "I don't think that is a big deal". "So why are you using drugs then" he asked. "None of your freaking business".

" Are we done?". "No we are not", "freaking get lost I don't want to talk, let me sleep". "Go away". "No cadet", major Damon said something for the first in a very long time. "Then I'll go away myself", I pulled the needles out of my arms and tried to get up from the bed, too bad major pain in the ass Damon stopped me. The doctor came in, "oh I lost her pulse", "that's because she pulled the needles out". "Alright I have to fix this" the doctor said. "No let me go" I struggled in major Damon's grip but he was to strong and I was too weak at this point. But I wouldn't stop. "Cadet stop it else I have to call out other methods". "Bring it on I grinned". "I don't want to but there's a way I know it will make you stop". "Like…?" "threatening to sedate you", I instantly froze and he slowly let go of me.

"Now let the doctor hook you to the machine again", he said. I didn't say anything anymore. I felt defeated. Hell if he noticed it. I'll let the doctor hook me up to the machine again and lay down flat, not saying anything and closing my eyes. I heard major Damon tell the therapist he should come back later. "Get some sleep" major Damon told me I ignored him. I felt defeated, he knows my weakness he knows how to let me do everything he wants. Damn. But I won't let it beat me I thought while I cried my eyes out, hoping nobody saw me.

Major Damon's POV:  
I knew for myself how hard it is to admit you have a problem. This one on the other hand is stubborn. But how stubborn she is I gained more and more information. At this point I was sure I could get through to her. It would take a while but I was determined. I knew her weakness she was terrified of being unconscious. The word sedate was like a magical word. I knew I couldn't make misuse out of it but I found it handy in crisis situations. And therefore I made myself a promise only to use it for that.


	8. Chapter 8

**Opening up**

MY POV:  
It was Sunday today so too bad for me but there were less drills and activities so there was less staff required. Which mend major pain in the ass you know who came check on me a lot. Although I wouldn't admit it anytime soon out loud I started to like major Damon, I trusted him and I knew I could talk to him. "How is she doing" I heard him ask the doctor, "she's fighting to stay strong I don't know how long she can keep this up". "Physically she's doing better her heart rate is almost back to normal, the drugs chills are almost over, but I have my doubts about the mental aspect". "I think I can send her back to combat tomorrow, but she cannot do too much physical exercise".

"Alright" I heard him say. I heard him come over and closed my eyes again. "Cadet are you awake" he asked me, I was in doubt if I would open my eyes. But for some reason I opened my eyes. "Hey" he said, "I have some dinner for you, are you hungry?" I nodded. He sat my bed straight so I could sit. I ate my food while he sat on the other side of the room looking through some papers. When he saw I was finished, he took my plate and asked if I wanted to talk about what happened this afternoon.

"Not really" I said "I just don't like all the questions". "What I do, my troubles is my own business and no one else's". "I can understand that you feel that way but you know all we want is to help you, fix your problems and your life as good as we can". "I know that sir, but I'm just not ready at this point to talk about it". "I'm not yet ready to get the help you will give me". "I have to do this alone first". "I can't talk about it now you know". "I know I need help but I can't accept it, I won't accept it before I tried everything in my power to fix it myself". "And there are just some things I can't talk about".

"I'm glad you told me that". "For the record it may not seem to you that way but you did really well today". I nodded. "So I suggest you get some sleep, tomorrow if everything goes right tonight, the nurse will release you so you can have breakfast with the group". "You go to class afterwards and while the rest has physical exercise I want you to come find me I'm probably in the majors office, you know where that is right". I nodded, "there I'll have a extra task for you to make up for you missing physical exercise, alright". "Yeah ok". "Well good luck tomorrow and see you in the office". "Yes sir" I said. "Goodnight" he said. With that he left.

The next day I was back in the breakfast group, there were people looking at me I looked back with a dirty look and they looked away, I won that round. Then Kowalski walked by, "how are you doing shaky" he asked while he pushed against my back. I flew up but decided not to do anything I stared at him. I heard major John call "take a beat Kowalski". In class we had a lot of homework for geography but I didn't mind I liked that, I also like history and biology. There for I hated mathematics and economy. English was alright I guessed and I also liked French. I was glad that in class I sat with my friend I met on the bus, she told me they had some hard training days.

When the class was finished, I saw that Kowalski and two buds followed me but I wasn't scared I could take them. "Hey shaky" he said while they walked behind me. "Where are you going were having physical exercise", "yeah you have, better hurry up else you have to do a lot of pushups" I said. "So where are you going then", "none of your business I think so". "Come on shaky you can tell us, so remember you still have payback I didn't like it when you hit me". "Bring it on bitch, if it's as easy as the last time I can take you blind" I smirked. "You think you're a though girl right but if one's not a problem maybe three isn't either". "Why not" I said, "you think you are though right". "Bring your friends because you can't handle the little girl alone". "I'll show you", he came walking at me he threw a punch which I dodged easily then I heard a voice behind me.

"What do you think you are doing Kowalski", major Stefan said who was followed by major Damon. "Payback" Kowalski answered. "Yeah we don't do payback here, follow me boys" Major Stefan said "we are going to have a lot of fun during and after your physical exercise".  
"You can come with me" major Damon said. "Tell me what happened I want to know step for step". "Well he's nagging me all day, and then they followed me and he said he wanted payback so I said bring it on bitch". "I maybe provoked him a bit with that but hey they followed me, and I'm not scared of them specially not of that no brain heavy weight Kowalski". "I want you to be careful he said those are big boys, and…." "I'm a little girl".

"You are physically weakened at this point", "yeah so techniques beat power". "I'll assure you that I can take him even now". "And those other two clowns no problem". "So you are going to leave those boys alone". "Well I won't say anything to them or start anything, but if they don't leave me alone I always learned to practice what you preach so if they come for me I have no mercy for them, and will fight back". "You know then it becomes your problem too" he said. "I know but I won't let them scare me or bully me".

"So what do I have to do" I asked Major Damon. "Since you can't do physical exercise I have two options for you". "One is to spend an hour talking with me, I'll ask you some questions and you can decide for yourself which one you want to answer". "The other is I have a note book for you and I want you to write in it". "I want you to write your feelings in it or anything that is on your mind". "I don't have to read it only if you allow me to read it". "You can put it in this safe and make your own code so only you can reach it". "I don't know" I said "I don't feel like writing so I guess you can ask me some questions, but don't make me answer things I don't want to answer". "I won't" he replied.

"So what do you want to know" I asked him. "Well" he said "yesterday you said you used drugs so I wondered how you are coping right now without drugs". "I guess good it was hard a few days ago when you took my pills, but I'll guess it goes better now and the nurse gives me something so that helps". "Can I ask for how long you used" he asked, "well I honestly don't know exactly, I guess when I was fourteen and moved from Savannah to Newark which isn't a pretty city". "My mom got addicted and gave it to me". "It was normal for me to be honest but when I decided it was not good for me I couldn't stop".

"That's the thing with drugs" he said. "What did you use", "anything" I answered "while I bend my head". "So the marks on your armpits are from using heroin" he asked, I nodded. "Alright cadet you did well, I think you had enough right now, if not say so". "Ok it's still almost an hour before physical exercise finishes so I suggest you'll go sit here and make your homework". I nodded, "alright". I started my homework while major Damon was reading some charts.

"Sir can I ask you a question", "yes you can" he answered. "You said the other day that you've been where I am now". "Where were you". "I was in a very dark place" he answered "I used a lot of drugs and felt miserable". "Which drugs did you use" I asked him, "Heroin" he answered. "So you have trace marks too" I asked him. "Yes I have", he said while he rolled up his sleeves, "they mostly have healed but there are some scars there". "Ok" I said, "how did you get out the dark place". "With help from some people". "Ok, I'm sorry you had to go through that" I said. "Well I can smile now so it's ok", "I'll see you tomorrow same time alright" he asked "and try to stay away from Kowalski". "I will" I said "but the problem is he finds me every single time". "Goodnight" Sir I said while I left. "Goodnight cadet" he answered.

Major Damon's POV:  
She made a lot of progress in the last couple days. But I had to be careful not to push it, that's why I only asked a few questions when I talked with her. I had to be careful to not push my luck. What a downside was, was that she had a reputation and that wasn't handy for her, because she had Kowalski on her back all the time.

My POV:  
The following day Kowalski lay low, I guessed that would have something to do with major Stefan's drill from yesterday. They looked pretty broken and rushed out. I met major Damon after school major Frank was also in the room so he asked me to write down three feelings I felt being here, with motivation. I wrote down: Anger, because I don't want to be here. Sadness….  
Sorry this is hard I wrote I don't think I'm ready to talk about my other emotions, do you have another assignment I wrote.

I gave the paper to him and waited for him to read it, "alright" he said "I give you two options, you can either make a list with why you in here and if you deserve that". "Or you can make a list with all the pro's and con's of what the point is from you being in here". I decided to do the first. I spelled: Drugs, anger issues. I did things I'm not proud of I know there's always a choice but sometimes you have to do things. And some more stuff, but he was ok with it so I could make my homework.

The next day he told me that we was considering to let me go back to physical exercise but told me I had to go slow, "Sir" I said "I only participate if I can do everything, I won't do it half". "You have to understand sir I can't do half it's not good for my reputation either". "Alright then I would like to talk with you some more and then I'm going to test your physical ability so I can see if you are ready".

"Alright so how are you doing today" he asked me. "I think I'm doing good" I said to him. "Heard you had a geography exam today how did that go", "pretty good I don't mind geography I like it". "Yeah that's nice" he said. "I like history too and biology" I said "don't mind English but I freaking hate mathematics and economy". "Well everyone has his good and his bad subjects" he nodded.

"Well I would like to ask you if you want to talk about the marks on your arms". "Can I see them again so I can ask question", he asked this very careful so I decided to show him my arms, "those are traces from the needles from the heroin right he asked me" I nodded. "So these cigarette burns would you like to talk about that". "Not really" I said I didn't let my wall down for that subject. "Alright, it's ok maybe some other time" he said. "And the cut marks I see their only on your left arm".

I looked in his hell blue eyes and my wall was fading slowly. "Uhm" I said… "Cadet this is no judging but I would like to know if you did that to yourself". "I won't judge you". I bent my head afraid to look at him I nodded "I did I whispered". He gave me a glass of water and asked me "why". "Because,… it makes the pain go away, I can't I whispered I can't talk about it right now". "It's ok" he said while he tried to ease me. "You did very well". "I think you should drink that glass of water". "We will have other occasions to talk and you know where to find me" I nodded.

"Well I want to do a quick test to see if your ready for physical exercise, are you going to be there then" I asked him. "Probably" he said "now someone has to look after you" he smirked. "Alright cadet give me fifty", "sir yes sir" I replied, "doing fifty pushups followed by fifty sit ups and fifty squads". "Not a problem" I said. "Alright were going outside I want 5 laps from you". "I did the laps and came back". "Alright not quite your former self on this one hey" he asked me, "it will be better tomorrow" I said to him, "well you do it now already better than most but you heart rate was a little too high in my opinion". "So I will declare you for full duty but when your heart rate goes over 200 I'll pull you out". "Alright" I said. "Now you can go get some rest tomorrow will be tough for you".


	9. Chapter 9

**Bring it on Bitch**

Physical exercise, I stood there and saw there were four majors. I was standing in line when I heard a voice next to me, "how are you doing shaky are you back, better watch out that you will not go down again". He smirked at me, "Kowalski" major Stefan called "move your ass, end of the row". He grinned and moved to the end of the line. "We are going to split the group in half" major Frank said "one group comes with me and major Stefan to the obstacle course, the other group stays here with major Damon and major John we swop in 45 minutes" understood, "Sir yes sir". I luckily wasn't in a group with Kowalski and his buddies. So I did the obstacle course first it went ok I guess I was the fastest girl but if I was fully recovered I was faster I did it three times and was pretty exhausted afterwards.

When we came back to the field major Damon explained we had to run 10 laps do 100 pushups, 100 sit ups and 100 squads the time we got for that was 30 minutes those who failed had to stay longer, and got punishment training. I knew that it was going to be hard and that not everyone would make it in time. I first ran 5 laps and did all the sit ups with 50 pushups and 50 squads then I ran further and did 50 squads I had one minute left and 50 pushups. So I finished it with three seconds spare. Afterwards I was broken I stood there completely shaken and walked to a tree where I seated myself to watch the spare 15 minutes punishment of the others ten from the twenty-five who did not make it. So I was pretty proud of myself that I made it in my condition.

While I was catching my breath, breathing heavy and closing my eyes while leaning against the tree I heard a voice in the passing, "you did well cadet" it said. I nodded with my eyes still closed. I remained sitting there before standing up a bit shaking. And of course while I was shaking there came my good bud Kowalski. "Hey shaky" he honed at me "watch it before you fall over again". "Kowalski move your ass or I'll give you fifty pushups" major Stefan said to him "alright" he said. "better take a look at princess shaky before she faints again". "Yeah that's it give me fifty" he sighed Kowalski groaned but dropped and did the pushups "now leave" major Stefan said. "Your alright" he asked me. "Yeah" I said. "You're still not recovered from the exercise while it was fifteen minutes ago?", "I'm working on it sir, It'll be ok promise". "Alright then please go inside now we'll have dinner in about well right now". "Ok" I said while I walked all shaky. After dinner I would crash in my bed.

Major Stefan's POV:  
"Hey bro" I said while he sat on the couch of our room, "how is that cadet of yours doing" I asked him. "Why" he asked, "well I had to send away that Kowalski kid from her again". "She was all shaky fifteen minutes after the exercise and could barely walk". "Well" my brother answered "although she will never admit it she is pretty sick". "That condition is serious". "She opened up a bit more she tries to talk about her feelings but that is very hard for her". "I'm very proud of her progress the last few days". "And about Kowalski, she promised not to seek him up but he comes for her every time and she will fight him if she needs to, so we have to keep those two away from each other".

Then my father came in, "hey boys" he said he was carrying a tube. "I hate to ask this again" he said "but you know what to do with this" he gave it to my brother "I know dad" he said. He took it to the bathroom and came back later with his urine in the tube. Although my brother was clean for over a year now my father still gave him irregular urine controls. "Thank you" my father said while my brother gave the sample to him.

It was almost four years ago when my brother lost everything he had. His wife and ten month old son Gavin died in a car crash and he fell in a black hole. He started to use drugs and it went pretty ugly. But I was so proud of him how he handled everything afterwards he fought back and he won. "You know I'm extremely proud of you" my father said to my brother "I know dad" Damon said before he hugged him. My brother returned to the couch and I saw a tear escape his eye.

"Hey bro" I said while I hugged him, "it's just too much right now" he said. "I know you can be sad" I said, "I know it's just confronting with the test etcetera" he said. "And that kid I see myself sitting there in a dark place not wanting to talk I need to help her". "Yeah bro I know" I said "but your own health and recovery is important too". "I know" he replied "but I felt great when I helped her out the other day and she started to open up". "It was such a rewarding feeling". "Ok as long as you are careful" I answered.

My POV:  
I was wrecked and went to bed I fell asleep around seven and awoke when the bell went on seven am that following day, after dinner I walked to my history class and heard a smeary comment behind me. "You and me before physical exercise begins", "yeah and then" I asked. "We fight", "bring it on" I laughed at him. So I made a strategy I would avoid his punches and wait till someone came or I could hit him back.

After class a circle was gathered and I found myself in the middle of it with Kowalski "are you ready for your payback" he asked grinning, "if you are ready" I smirked at him, He came at me with a punch I simply avoided it, is that all you got. Then everybody started to run away I say four majors running up to us and I saw I was already in big trouble so when he came at me again I became very angry I avoided the punch and gave him a round house kick in his stomach and settled him in a neck clam. I squeezed him a bit and he was struggling in my arms, "let him go" the majors screamed, I released him on the ground and pushed him away.

The majors arrived but I didn't feel like them getting on to me so while major Stefan, Damon checked Kowalski I was angry and everything went blank I ran away while major John, major Frank and now also major Stefan followed me. While major John caught me I yelled that he had to let me go and had to stop touching me. I freed myself out of the position and ran away again. Major Frank had taken Kowalski inside so also major Damon came on my pitch.

They stood gathered around me the three of them. "Calm down cadet" major Damon said, "go away, leave me alone" I yelled. "You have to calm down" major Stefan said while the three of them kept coming closer. "Don't touch me" I repeated. "Alright I'm going to tell what we are going to do", Major Damon said, "I'm going to take your arm and I will escort you inside if you struggle whatsoever there are three man that will hold you in control" he said.

I was about to protest but saw they really meant it and I knew I would never win, so I nodded defeated while he came closer. He grabbed my arm and I felt myself tight up I saw that major John came for my other arm, I was starting to freak but major Damon said, "don't she said to cooperate which she is still doing so only if I say so someone else touches her". The three of them kept silent while they put me in an holding cell and closed the door.

Major Damon's POV  
Shit she got herself in trouble again and this time it was bad, we were going to ask the other cadets what happened and watch the surveillance tape. Then we would question the two cadets. "Well" the kids told "Kowalski wanted payback and said he would settle it this afternoon with her". "So he threw some punches at her which she dodged and then she got annoyed and angry and kicked him and confiscated him in a neck clam". "It went really fast". "But the girl is strong and quick she beat Kowalski's ass again".

Then Kowalski was asked to tell his side of the story he made one up, "she attacked me" was all he said, "can't you see I'm the victim here". "Alright Kowalski you are getting a nice talk with the boss and will spend three days in separation". "You only come out an hour a day for lonesome physical exercise". "Oh and you get an ad for lying cause you are the one who started it, as I am correct" I told him.  
After his turn it would be Cadet Atwood's turn.

MY POV:  
I was sitting in the waiting cell when major John came in "stand up" he said while he yanked on my arm I started to freak again, "go away, don't touch me let go of me, don't" I screamed. I backed off into the corner of the room. I calmed down when major Damon came in "ok relax" he said,  
"go sit down again". I obeyed. "Alright major John is going to escort you by the arm and we are taking you to the interrogation room to ask you some questions about today's event alright". I still looked very horrified, worried and confused and sat back while major John came forward but I couldn't get further in my corner how hard I tried. When he was about to touch me and I was about to scream. Major Damon said, "Ok stop, I'll take you by the arm alright" I nodded and I felt more relax while he took me by the arm.

"Sit down" they said. "So now tell us everything that happened today". "Kowalski came at me after breakfast he provoked me and said: you and me before physical exercise I'll give you some payback". "So I went there and he threw some punches at me, I dodged them I was getting angry and annoyed, kicked him, confiscated him and then I let go of him". "What happened afterwards why did you flip at everyone including the majors", major Frank asked. I bend my head and didn't answer: honestly I didn't know what happened. "I don't know" I whispered.

"Well your punishment is: you will stay the same as Kowalski three days in separation". "You will only come out for physical exercise solo an hour a day and you are granted some books because you told the truth". "But you have to talk to someone about those panic attacks of yours I'll assign a shrink". "No, no please don't I'll talk to major Damon" I said. "But I don't know if I can say much". I saw him look at major Damon who nodded. "Alright then" he said. "Now major Stefan will take you to the separation cell, he will hold your arm while doing this, that is protocol" major Damon added.

I let major Stefan take me to the cell it was really small and I didn't like it. "You have to stop getting into trouble" he said to me. "Just ignore the guy", "trust me I would if it was a possibility, but he keeps coming back at me, he's perseverance". "Alright I'll get you some school books which do you prefer you can choose three:" "geography, history and biology". "So what's up with you and your little freak attacks you got when someone gets near". "You won't let anyone touch you no major John, no major Frank, I can barely touch you why is that". "The only one who seems to be able to touch you is my brother, why". "Because I trust him". "And maybe you too a bit but I don't know the others".

"So you should talk to someone anyone about the drugs, and the panic attacks the scars etcetera" . "I know but I don't know if I'm ready for that". "My brother says your doing really well he said you started to open up more". "But don't be afraid he didn't tell me what you said, that's between him and you". "He really wants to help you, he made it his goal". "So go easy on him too".

"Yeah" I said "he said he wanted to help me he said that he knew what it was to be in a dark place". "Yea he does" major Stefan answered. "So" I asked "why did he use drugs". "Who said he used drugs", "he said he showed me his arms they have the same needle wholes/scars that I have". "So why did he use". "Well that's not something I have to discuss with you cadet". "But if you want that answer maybe you should ask him, but I can't guarantee you that he is ready to answer you that question".


	10. Chapter 10

**Cutting****  
**  
Major Damon's POV:  
"Hey bro" I heard from behind me. "Hey" I said to my little brother "I got some books" he said "for cadet Atwood you want to bring them than maybe you can do some soul searching". "So she trusts you and she asked me why you used drugs". "So I told her I couldn't answer her so you might expect that question", "well" I said to him "maybe I'll answer it maybe not I'll see when I talk to her". "I had her admit to the fact she used drugs and that she knew it was bad for her but she was addicted and she couldn't stop". "She got her first drugs from her mother you know". " She admitted to the fact that she self mutilates herself by cutting she wouldn't answer the cigarette burns and why she did hurt herself but I hope to find that out anytime soon but I won't push her too much". "Alright I'll bring that to her now".

MY POV:  
I slept for a few minutes I awoke because someone came sitting on the bed. I stiffened a bit but not much. "Hey Rebel" he said, "brought your books and thought you might wanted to talk". "Thank you" I said to him, but I didn't really wanted to talk I thought I was screwed I just found something sharp and had cut myself with it and now there was blood on my arm and on the white gown and it was visible dammed I thought. "I don't know" I said, then my heart stood still he was looking at the blood on my sleeve.

"What is that" he asked "nothing" I said I didn't know what to say. "Let me see" he said, "no" I said. "Cadet you will give me your arm and let me take a look", "no, no" I said. "Please don't look at it". "Cadet give me your arm" his eyes pierced into mine and I bent my head while giving him my arm. He rolled my sleeves up and saw the dried blood and the cut in my arm. He sighed but didn't say anything while he got his backpack and got some tissues and water out of it. He wetted the tissues and started to take care of the wound. I still had my head bended.

"Cadet look at me" he said while he put the stuff away, "with what did you made those cuts" I showed him my hairclips I could make them sharp and is was perfectly for cutting. Then he surprised me by not giving me a lecture but by asking if I would like to talk about it. "I don't know" I said. "How do you feel now" he asked me "what are your emotions". "I'm ashamed" I said, "why because you cut". "I think but more because you found out". "So" he said "what did you feel, what drove you into cutting here and now". "I think I was scared" I whispered "and I was not in control about what is going to happen to me I need the control"." And when you cut you are in control", "yes" I said. "And I needed the pain to go away".

"Which pain", "just the pain" I said. "So now we; but mostly you have to figure out a way to deal with those things without harming yourself, because I cannot allow that in here" he said. "Think about it" he told me "what could you do when you feel like that", "I don't know: talk I guess, scream kick punch, run I don't know", "so we have to try those options". "So whenever you feel like cutting you'll come find me and we figure it out". "But I do not want to see another fresh cut because else you will be punished for it, it's the protocol". "I will check you on a daily basis for new cut marks I think that is a fair deal" he said. I just nodded. "Well" he said "I want you to rest now they'll bring you dinner and I'll be back tomorrow morning then we talk further". "Thank you" I whispered at him. "You're welcome" he said." Goodnight cadet", "goodnight sir".

Major Damon's POV:  
I had more information again, I really think this is the best information I got. She never opened up this much. Yes I was disappointed she started to cut but now we at least had some things we could discuss. She wasn't there yet and I still needed to know who hurt her and why she wouldn't tell me.

MY POV:  
I couldn't sleep that night I was thinking about what major Damon said I knew the cutting was bad for me and I needed another way but I could not think of one. I didn't know what we had to talk about I was not going to tell him I was abused I knew he knew about that but I wouldn't admit it yet. I took my geography book and started to read it, I liked geography and was very interested in the different countries and cities. I wanted to travel the world sometimes but that was just a dream.

The door opened and major Frank came in with my breakfast, I ate it while he was lecturing me about fighting and no respect I didn't listen but that he didn't have to know. He finally went away and I did read further in my book. After an hour or so I don't know what time major Damon came in. He brought me my rosary, and my picture. "Here" he said "stole it for you". "Fearing for my own life" he grinned. "Thank you" I said "I kind of like it here, it's peaceful and quiet".

"So how are you doing", I nodded "alright I guess didn't sleep much". "How come" he asked, "I was thinking about what you said about other ways to deal, but I can't find one which I can keep to myself, scream other people hear, all those things". "Well cadet" he said "if you are feeling like cutting again you come find me alright, and then we'll figure something out". "I don't want you to have sleepless nights over it, but I'm glad you thought about it".

"Would you give me your arm", I gave him my arm and he looked at it, "alright no fresh cuts I'm glad" he said. "Can I ask you some questions" he asked, "I guess" I said. "It may come out of the blue and be very hard on you but I now you couldn't self inflict the wounds on your back". "Who did that to you". "Sir with all do respect" I said while I bended my head "I really can't talk about it now I don't know if I ever will be able to talk". "Alright leave that there then let it rest".

"How about we talk about you goals". "Do you have goals for the future what do you like". "Where do you want to go with your life". "Well I really haven't thought about it much". "But I would like to travel or something in the geography". "Well maybe it sounds stupid because I can't even deal with my own problems but I would like to help people". "You know social work". "But I don't think I stand a change because I'm screwed up as hell". "That's not a stupid thought at all the best social workers are the own with own experience". "I'll give you an example I was screwed up one and a half year ago". "Shooting heroin, drinking everything and now my duty is to help people". "How did you get past it" I asked him, "well mostly with my own will power but also with the help of".

"Sir can I ask you a question" ,"yes you can" he answered. "Why did you start using drugs?" "Well I guess I'm not perfect myself I did a lot of stupid things, and I was in a very bad place". "But I started to use drugs because I lost something that was the most important thing in my life". He said that with a shaky voice. "When did that happen" I asked him "about three and a half years ago". "And till this day forward it's still hard for me to talk about it". "To tell you the truth I'm still afraid of a relapse every day". He had the tears in his eyes. "What did you lose" I asked, "my family" he answered. I stayed quite so he could talk further. "My wife and son died in a car crash". "And I felt for a very long time that it was my fold because I should be with them, I should have driven the car than the accident might not have happened". "But I rested myself in the fact that you can't go back in what if, you have to look forward". "So that's what I tried to learn you but by looking forward you first have to look back and sort out your thoughts and accept you past".

"I'm really sorry sir" I replied, "I'm sorry you had to go through that". "How old was your son?". "10 months". "What was his name?", "Gavin" he answered. "But hey every day is a new one and every day you got bad parts and good parts but this day is a good day so far, you want to see a picture" he asked me. "Yeah" I said "I would like to see". "He showed me a medallion within it his wife and son". "So I always have them with me". "They are beautiful" I said him.

"I started to do drugs cause my mom did so and I missed my dad, I couldn't care anymore what happened to me and then she got that new boyfriend and he used". "At first they hooked me up with the stuff and when I was addicted enough I couldn't stop they said I had to take care of my own stuff". "I had to steal I did horrible things to get the drugs". "But I had to, sometimes you do things you regret them but you can't help to do them". "I'm glad you opened up about that" he said. "I think we had a good talk".

" You will have physical exercise in a few hours I think you might have that together with Kowalski so I suggest you behave and ignore him, be the grown up" . "I would like you to think about anger, how that applies to you and how you can control that". "But I don't want you to lie awake for it". "Just think about it". "Yes sir". "Thank you sir you are so patient and nice to me". "It's been a long time someone actually listened to me or was nice to me".

Major Damon's POV:  
It broke my heart when she said that last sentence this kid has been through a lot she needs to feel loved again. After the anger assignment I will ask her to make a list of the important people in her life, or the people who used to be important and why. I had to figure out who was giving the physical exercise and if Kowalski would be there too. I gladly found out my brother was giving the exercise. I talked with him about the conversation I had with cadet Atwood and that I told her about my family. My brother promised me that he would look out for her.


	11. Chapter 11

**Confessions**

MY POV:  
I was glad he opened up about one of his darkest and saddest moments. I really started to trust him, and if there was anyone I would open up to it would be him. But I didn't have much time to think about that because major Stefan came at my cell. "Ready for your physical exercise" he asked me. I nodded "but first we have the pick up your friend", he said while I grinned. "Well just ignore him that'll be best" he told me. "I'll try" I answered. Well this was a good moment to work on the anger management.

Kowalski made all sorts of annoying comments but I ignored him I didn't say a word to him. I looked away a few times or looked pissed at him. But on the upper hand because all of his stupidities he had to do about 100 pushups extra cause every time he said something in major Stefan's ear raise he would get punished. "I'm proud of you cadet" he said after physical exercise. I nodded.

I thought about why I was angry and wrote it down. I have no idea sometimes there is a switch and it turns. Sometimes I have to because of my pride or reputation and sometimes you have to get your anger out. It's my way of surviving in this world. I had no track of time and felt tired so went to sleep I totally forgot that I hadn't had dinner yet. So I was scared as hell when major Frank came in with dinner and touched me to wake me up. I stiffened and scooped away with horror on my face, but I quickly got my act back up and my poker face was back on.

"Cadet" he said "why are you sleeping at 6 pm". "Because I have no track of time sir and it´s probably the first time I slept since I'm in this cell". "Very well then enjoy your dinner" he said. Jerk I thought while he walked away. I really didn't like that man, he was mean. Nothing like major Damon. Major Damon was probably one of the few people who understood to be sad and addicted here and to lose people you love.

I was awoken the next day by major John, he was irritated because I didn't wake up by his screaming. So he shook me roughly he was screaming at me that I had to stop playing games. I started to panic he was angry and screaming at me touching me. "Don't touch me" I screamed, "go away" I screamed I started to cry "go away". I went to the corner of the room and tried to get away as far as possible from him. When he started to come closer. I started to kick and punch and scream and I cried. I saw that he backed down and called for backup and closed my cell. I tried to calm myself down but couldn't stop sobbing.

Major John came back in "go away" I screamed. Major Damon came in after major John. "Easy" he said "we are not going to touch you ok". I nodded still sobbing. Major John went away while major Damon closed the cell door. He gave me a handkerchief and let me calm down for a moment. "Ok" he said "calm down, it's going to be to ok". I nodded still shaking. I tried to stop shaking, he saw that and said "don't hide". "Let it come out, let it leave". I started to cry like I never did all came out I started to shout nothing just shout, "shout it out" he said. I cried further and lied down on my bed curled up like a little bal.

"Ok you think it's all out" he asked me I nodded, "alright try to calm down I'm going to touch you now to help you calm down". He lay his hand on my shoulder/upper arm. I stirred at first but relaxed under his touch. "It's ok you're doing well". I was almost relaxed when the door went open and major Frank came in and I froze a bid. "How are we doing here" he asked, "getting better but leave us for a sec" he said. I stirred a bit more but felt save when he was there. I haven't felt that safe since my dad died. "Try to sleep a bit" he said. "No I can't" I said, "I'm scared" I said while I started to sob again. "Shh" he said "it's ok, you can be scared". "Go to sleep I'll keep you safe, trust me". "Alright" I sobbed. And I drifted off to sleep.

Major Damon's POV  
She was totally in shock and let all her feelings go. She broke there she couldn't hide her feelings anymore. She was so scared. I was glad she trusted me a bit. I needed to know what happened and should ask major John. I called him if he would come to her cell. I couldn't leave there I would let her sleep for two hours tops. Longer I would wake her. So major John came in and I asked what happened. "I tried to wake her up so I first asked then I started to shout". "I thought she was fucking with me and so I shook her shoulder roughly so she would open her eyes". "I totally forgot how she reacted before". "But she started to freak scream, cry, kick, hit". "And then I got you". "So" he said "I know I handled this wrong". "Yes you did but we got a breakthrough I hoped to get that but not on this way".

MY POV:  
I slowly woke up I remembered instantly what happened before. I was relieved when I saw major Damon still sitting on the side of my bed. But I was also scared of his reaction. I totally freaked let all my emotions go. I just stared at him I didn't dare to say anything I knew I looked at him terrified. He just stared back and came sit closer. I didn't react I didn't mind he was coming closer I trusted him. He put his hand on my shoulder still looking at me I stiffened a bit by his touch but relaxed almost immediately. He smiled and nodded at me, "see you're doing better" he said. "No need to be afraid" he said still keeping his eyes at me. I nodded.

"Come sit up straight" he said, I obeyed. My head did hurt when I got up and I cradled it in my hands, "you ok" he asked, I shook my head "it hurts". "Your head" he asked I nodded. "Alright" he said "I've got some aspirin here, take it". "So how are you feeling right now" he asked me, I tried to set up a poker face but knew I failed dramatically. So I gave in, "I'm scared" I whispered, "but I'm relieved there's some sort of burden gone". "Yeah you screamed and cried everything out". "It's good" he said "and it's no big deal that your scared you can be scared".

" I'm going to ask you a few questions" he said "and I want you to answer them, because else it is out of my hands then I need to get you other sorts of help". "No" I said "I don't want other help, please". "Then answer my questions" he said." Alright I'll try" I said shaking a bit. I started to shake even more and couldn't stop. "Hey" he said "it's ok". "I can't stop" I told him. He laid his hand on my shoulder, I realized I didn't realize it at first and it didn't stiffen me. I calmed down and looked helplessly at him. "So" he asked, "what happened this morning". "How did you become so terrified, freaked out and upset". "I don't know" I said "I guess he took me of guard and he kept coming and I just started to panic I felt threatened".

Major Frank came in while we were talking, "so how are we doing" he asked while he came really close he touched my shoulder I knew he didn't mean anything bad with it but I shifted back as far as possible. "Sorry" he said, "major" he said to major Damon "I want an update soon", "yes" he replied. "How come he can't touch you and I can". "Cause I know you better and I trust you" I whispered. While I started to shake again. "It's ok" he said.

"I have to know" he said "who made you become so terrified". "What did this person do to you". I looked at him terrified, hurt. "I can't tell you who he is I can't" I cried. "Then what did he do, is he responsible for the scars". I nodded slowly "for most of them" I said. "So he physically abused you?" I nodded "Did he mentally abuse you?", "yes" I said. "Ok this is a hard question but I have to know the truth did he sexually abuse you" he whispered. I stared at him bent my head and started to cry I noticed my heart rate went up. I cried like hell and lay down on my bed again burying my head into the pillow. I heard him sigh, "I'm so sorry that this happened to you". I lay there and thought screw everything I'm going to confess everything. I sat up again and looked him in the eyes.

"When did the abuse begin", he asked? "Three and a half years ago" I said. "Was it you're stepfather" he asked? "Why would you say that" I said, "cause you ended up here because you assaulted him". I did not want to admit it but I did not have much other choice "Yeah it was him" I said. "Why didn't you say something when you were sentenced, he could have been locked up by now". "I was scared and he had probably lied his way out of it, no one would believe me" I said. "So why did you flip then, why not earlier". "I just couldn't take it anymore". "And I was ashamed", "that it happened to you" he asked. "Yeah because of that but that it was going on for so long, and I didn't do anything to stop it". "I just let him have his way with me." "I just drank and did drugs enough to not feel it" I said crying. "I projected my anger on others, innocent people".

"So that's why you didn't do anything you didn't dare to tell and were afraid of him?". "Could it be possible that you protected because you still love or loved him, because he's your stepfather". "No I will never love that man and I never have". I cried again and held my head in my arms. "I just let him have his way with me I couldn't fight him, I could take him easily but I couldn't if I fought him off he would go to my little brother". "So you let him do whatever". I nodded "yes I made a deal he could do whatever and he wouldn't touch my brother". "How often did he…." , "Almost every day all forms". "But my brother is save now thank god". "Please promise me he never has to see that man again". "You'd do anything for him wouldn't you". "Yes" I said "he's all I've got left". "He's still so little and innocent". "How old is he" major Damon asked, "seven almost eight" I answered.

I started to sob and cry even more and hold onto my knees while I buried my head in between them I rocked back and forth on the bed. I was so angry for what happened to me in my life but more I was angry at myself that I let it happen. I couldn't control my anger anymore and jumped up I raced through the room and knocked my hand against the door then when I was also about to slam my head against it I got confiscated in the strong arms of the major. "Don't hurt yourself" he said. "I know the perfect thing to get rid of your anger follow me" he said.

He brought me outside and got a punching bag. He hung it on a tree and said "go ahead have your way with it". "Kick scream, punch whatever". I slammed on the bag and started to kick and punch everything out and I screamed. When I was total loose I fell to the ground crying I hadn't noticed major Frank was standing next to major Damon, but I didn't care anymore I just had to cry. I saw major Damon was walking towards me "come on" he said "I'll get you back". He helped me up and we walked passed major Frank he had a sad look on his face.

He brought me to the infirmary so they could look to my hand, it wasn't necessary but he wanted me in the infirmary. "So we can have an eye on you", it's for your own safety" he gave me something to eat and said that I had to get some sleep. We would talk some more later. He mentioned that he had to tell what happened to me to other majors so they could take note of it he said he didn't have to go in detail so he promised me he would be discrete.


	12. Chapter 12

**Aftermath**

Major Damon's POV:  
I saw she was shaking damn I thought poor kid. She opened up, this is what I wanted for weeks now but I knew now I wasn't ready to hear all this stuff. I called a staff meeting with the majors Frank, John and Stefan we were the main majors and led the unit. "This is bad" I said "the cadet had a breakdown earlier and fest some things up I won't get to it in detail". "But she claims to be abused mentally, physically, and sexually".

"I have to get her an full examination later today". "But she has scars and beating marks all over her body". "She wouldn't tell me who did it but I put two and two together and kept asking about her stepfather". "And she admitted at last he was the one". "I won't go further in detail, but she's scared to be touched and doesn't trust easily" . "Keep it discrete but don't mention too much to her". "But so you know please if you have trouble with her you can't fix please get me I'll try to fix it".

MY POV:  
I was laying in a hospital bed tossing and turning, sweating and feeling not at ease. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. The nurse came by and asked me how I was doing. I said "I'm ok although I wasn't". I tried not to show her how hurt and tired I was. I heard major Damon come in he asked the nurse how I was doing "she didn't sleep she tossed and turned" her answer was. I had my eyes closed while he came up to my bed. "Are you awake" he asked. I didn't react. "Alright I'll wait here till she wakes up" I heard him say to the nurse. I heard him sit in a chair I tossed and turned some more still not opening my eyes, then I drifted off to sleep.

I saw his face he was coming closer with a smirked he was close I was terrified I screamed and woke up flying up and gasping for air. I was breathing heavy when I noticed major Damon staring concerned at me standing next to my bed. "It's ok" he said "you're safe now it was just a dream". I breathed still very heavy and tried to calm myself down. I looked in his eyes with my walls down terrified. I lay down on the bed closing my eyes putting my hands over my head. "It's tough for you I can see that" he said "so you have to do one more thing and then we will not talk about it for a while only if you want to talk about it alright" he said. I nodded.

"Ok" he said "the nurse is coming in soon and is giving you a physical examination". "I have to know when was the last time that he touched you?", "four weeks ago" I said "before I assaulted him". "Ok I'll let the nurse examine you while I wait outside if you need anything let them call me". The nurse came in and she took pictures of my wounds and examined them then she said she had to do a examination down my private area I really didn't want to so I said "no". "No don't make me I won't don't". Major Damon came in after the nurse had called him.

"What's going on here" he asked "I won't have an examination down there" I said to him "I won't". "I know this is hard for you I can't imagine how hard but it's protocol, you have no choice I can't forbid them". "I don't want to" I started to cry again and curled myself up to a ball and started sniffing in the pillow "I don't want too" I repeated myself. "I know" he said "take it easy now ok, don't fight it, it will only hurt you more if you fight it you know that right". I nodded. "Alright I'll wait outside till it's over and then I'll be back, be strong" he said "you can do it". "Thank you sir" I said to him. "No problem" he replied.

The examination I had was very painful and also humiliating I was crying the whole time. I just couldn't stop. I heard the nurse call major Damon back in. I heard her tell him that I had wounds and scars their and that I was definitely abused. I was still crying my head buried in my pillow, when he came walking towards me standing next to my bed he said, "I'm going to touch you now to comfort you alright". I nodded and let him comfort me. "It's going to be ok" he said, "you'll get through this" I promise you. I sat up and did something I hadn't done in a very long time I sought comfort by someone else I did this by burying my head in his chest.

"Shh" he hushed, "cry it out it's ok". I stayed there for almost ten minutes. Then I let go of him and lay down on the bed again. "Thank you" I said to him. "Of course" he said "so I promised you not to talk about it for a while only when you would". "So where do you like to talk about" he asked. "I want to know what is going to happen now I don't want to talk to a shrink I heard you mention it to major Frank and the nurse".

"But I want to talk about it, I have to I think I can do that but not today maybe later". "It's your call" he said. "I'll want you in here till tomorrow morning and then you can go back to the group". "I brought you your geography book since there is a test tomorrow you can take your mind of off everything". "Thank you sir" I said. "Well I'm going to leave you with your book to learn, have a good night rest and tomorrow I see you at physical exercise I'll take it easy on you alright". "No sir you can't take it easy on me I don't want any of the others to know there is something wrong". "Ok it's your call misses though one", he winked. I smiled back at him.

**Two days later**

MY POV:  
The last two day's went well I nailed my geography test and kept up with physical exercise. I hadn't spoken to major Damon about my melt down much he took his distance and told if I wanted to talk I should find him. The downside was he had an talk session planned with a shrink for tomorrow I really didn't want to but major Frank and the director made me so I guess I had no choice. I was sitting outside against a tree before physical exercise when major Stefan came by. "Hey rebel" he said, "how are you holding up today", "fine" I said. "I have to ask you to come with me, you need to do a drug test" he said, "alright" I sighed, "I'm sorry" he said "but it's protocol".

I came at the lab and had to use a special bathroom. When I came out with my urine I saw major Damon come out of the toilet as well, "hey rebel" he said "pain in the ass right those drug tests". "Yeah" I said "you have to do this too?", "yup" he said "but I do it more for myself and for my father". "I don't mind". "How are you doing" he asked "alright, I guess" I said. "Nice well we have to hurry physical exercise starts in three minutes chop, chop" he laughed. "I'm going to make you guys exhausted".

Physical exercise:  
I was standing in the line up when Kowalski came standing next to me I ignored him, he couldn't take that, so he made comments which resulted in him doing a lot of pushups, I smirked. Major Stefan smirked back at me. We had to do a lot of laps and drillings. My heart rate was not good I saw it on my watch. I slightly became dizzy, then major Stefan called me with him, "are you doing alright" he asked "not really" I said in all honesty "but I'll finish" I said, "No he said we can't take that risk". "Go sit against that tree".

I was about to put up a fight but decided against it when he eyed me seriously. I walked growling to the tree and collapsed on the grass against it while I tried to catch my breath. I felt really dizzy in an instance and couldn't keep my eyes open. Then I saw a familiar face in front of me it was Kowalski he was there with his buddies circling around me my watch started to go off vibrant and noise, "help me" I said to him before I lost conscience.

Major Damon's POV:  
After physical exercise the watch started to buzz and also made noise. Damn I thought where is she I panicked when I couldn't find her. Then I saw one of the guys running up to me. "What's going on with that girl over there". Then I saw her and some guys including Kowalski gathered around her. "What's wrong with her" he asked "she just collapsed and then the freaking watch started to make noise". "Give me some room" I said to them, I took a needle I had for emergencies and shot it in her arm.

The watch stopped buzzing and I saw her heart rate drop to a more normal level. "She will be alright" I said. I picked her up and said to Kowalski "you, walk with me". "I want to know exactly what happened". "Well" he said "she was sitting against the tree and to be honest I was getting there to tease her but she looked very sick and then the watch started to go off and she whispered help and then collapsed". "Alright, you can go then" I said, I would check his story later.

She started to wake up slowly while I was carrying her in my arms. She shifted in my arms, "shh" I said "it's ok I got you lay still". I walked with her down the hall to the infirmary when she started to puke. It went half over me but I didn't care my main goal was to not let her drop. I could feel she was burning up. I arrived at the infirmary and put her on a bed, "she collapsed, her watch started to freak I gave her a shot, her heart rate went back to normal and then she started to wake up and puke". "Alright" the nurse said "you go change we fix her up".

MY POV:  
I woke up bungling in major Damon's arms he tried to comfort me but I was feeling really bad I tried to turn away from him to puke but I probably did it all over him. I lost conscience again. I woke up supposedly hours later because it was dark outside and I saw major Damon sitting on a chair sleeping with his feet on the edge of my bed. I started to remember what happened I wasn't feeling well and collapsed then I woke up and puked all over major Damon. I needed to pee but I saw no one there so I tried standing up myself but I was hooked on all the machines damn I was stuck here. I still felt really nauseous and thought I needed to puke again, but I really not wanted to wake major Damon up he would probably be exhausted. I saw a bowl standing which I could grab I held the bowl underneath me and started to puke really bad, too bad major Damon did wake up from the noise I made. He came sitting on my bed and held the bowl for me. After a few minutes when for my feeling everything was out he pulled the bowl away and said "sit tight I'll get you something to clean you up". He gave me a wet towel and some water after I cleaned my mouth he gave me a new toothbrush "here he said "probably nice to brush your teeth". When I was done I laid back on the bed and said, "I'm sorry I puked all over you earlier I couldn't hold it inside". "That's ok" he said "no big deal".

"So" he continued "what happened", "I don't know" I said "I felt bad during physical exercise but wanted to complete". "Major Stefan said I couldn't and send me to sit down then afterwards I became dizzy and did what he said I sat down next thing I know I pass out while Kowalski is standing in front of me". "I think I was stressed or something….."


	13. Chapter 13

**Therapy**  
**  
MY POV:**  
After hearing my side of the story he sighed, "cadet to be honest I don't know what to do, I do not want you to do physical exercise I just will not risk it any more". "I want you to talk to a psychiatrist". "No I will not, don't make me do that" I almost yelled. "Hear me out" he said. "I think because you are getting everything out now, you are weaker at this moment, you feel sad, low of yourself". "Before you were strong you could hide it". "This whole outing effects you physically". "I think you are very brave to just tell what happened to you and talk about it, but you don't recognize what all of this means, you can't admit to the fact just yet". "Which means you are not dealing". "I think it is best that you talk to someone professional". "If you talk and acknowledge you may feel better and be stronger physically as well".

"But what if I don't want to". "You're scared right", "I'm not". "Don't deny it", "ok" I said "but why bother it won't help me". "That's what I said" he replied. "Did it help you?" "it was hard to acknowledge at first and it went rough but it really helped me". "So is there someone qualified here", "no there is not". "I asked permission to let you talk to my psychiatrist it's just once a week and I will take you to him". "The down side maybe is I would have to go in there safety protocol and all but I really think it would help you". "If I say no you will make me right" I said. "Kind of" he said. "Well then I guess I have no choice". "I'll go, but only if you are the one who goes with me I won't talk in front of anyone else". "Alright deal" he said. "Well try to sleep".

I really didn't feel like the idea of talking to a psychiatrist but I knew it was better for me and that it would help me give things a place. I was broken not only mentally but it started to come out physically too. I was glad though major Damon helped me. I couldn't do physical exercise all the way. Major Damon had explained to the group why it was that I did some things only half. He said that I really wanted to do it and probably easily could do it but because I had a hearth disease I couldn't. They understood and with doing half the courses and more pushups / sit-ups I managed physical exercise. Kowalski lay low he probably was shocked with what happened to me while he had witnessed.

Today it was four days after I collapsed and a week after I confessed everything to Major Damon. It was 3 pm and I just ended school. Major Damon and I would meet the psychiatrist today during physical exercise. It was about 15 minute drive in which I didn't say a word. Till major Damon asked me when we were almost there if I was nervous. "I am" I said. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to" he said "you don't have to tell what you do not want to". "But it helps a lot if you try to cooperate as much as possible". I nodded.

**Major Damon's POV:  
**She was really scared, I tried to ease her a bit but I didn't think it helped much. "Let it come to you" I said "just let it happen and see from there". "Yeah" she said "I will". "Alright" I said "then let's get inside".

**MY POV:  
**I was really scared of what was about the happen I walked inside the building with major Damon and was literally thinking of running I knew though that, that was not a smart idea. But it kept spooking in my head. I sat in one of the chairs in the waiting room and caught myself looking at all the escape possibilities and was praying that I would be able to stay in the chair and would not run. "What are you thinking about" major Damon asked. "You want an honest answer" I asked him "yeah" he said "that would be nice". "Well" I said "I'm looking for the best way to escape I'm literally forcing myself to remain in this chair". "What do you want to escape then" he asked, "well" I said "all this bullshit, this place, the camp; everything". "But I know that is the most stupid thing to do right now". "Because you would definitely catch me". "And if for some reason not where do I have to go". "But please keep me close I don't know what I am going to do in an impulse". "Thank you for being honest" he said, "it's good that you think realistic about this and I know you're scared as hell". "But it will make you a lot better, I won't say every therapy session is helpful at this point but in the end it will be worth it". "It will make you feel a lot better alright" he said.

I started tapping my foot on the floor and was looking around des orientated major Damon placed his hand on my upper arm and said "it will be ok, it'll be ok". I looked him in the eye I knew my eyes where saying panic. The wall I once build was gone at least it was gone when I talked and looked at major Damon, to others I could build the wall, but I knew he would see right through me so I couldn't find the strength to build it up again.

Then the psychiatrist came in to the room and called us in. I was looking to escape ways again, probably very obvious because major Damon took my arm and guided me inside I stopped on the doorstep and looked major Damon in the eyes he nodded, I took a deep breath before entering the room.

I was sitting on the couch observing the room I was in I was quite shaking and could read the panic in my own eyes. "So" the psychiatrist said, "my name is dr. Wesley and I am here to help you". "No other things just to help and talk". "I can see you are very nervous about this isn't it". I nodded. "So if you don't want to tell or answer something you don't have too, though I can be sometimes persistent to get the answer". "I want to start to fill out some personal information like your name and birth date". "Tess Atwood" I said "born May 11 in 1991". "So you are seventeen years old", "yeah" I said. "I was born in Atlanta Georgia" I said, "where did you grow up?" "Fort Stewart near Savannah Georgia". "And till what age did you live there?" "Thirteen" I said "then I moved". "To where did you move?" "First a few months to Jersey city New Jersey and then to Newark New Jersey".

"Did you lose any family members?" "My father was killed at war when I just turned thirteen". "Then we moved to Jersey where my mom died two years later due to a drug overdose". "So who took care of you afterwards?" "My stepfather" I answered. "Did you have a happy childhood". "I had the best childhood I had the best parents the only bad things where that my dad had to leave for war sometimes but I guess you get used to that my mom was the best and I had a lot of friends on the base". "When did things start to change?" "When my father died" I said. "My mom became another person instantly she wasn't the nice caring mother I knew". "She didn't give a shit anymore". "A few days after dads funeral she awoke me in the middle of the night". "We packed our bags and left for New Jersey I didn't even had a change to say goodbye to my friends".

" My mom tried to find a job in Jersey city but she couldn't so while I was just settled and started to go to school making new friends I had to leave again". "We left for Newark where my mom rented out a two room apartment flat, it was dirty small and it was much too crowded for three people". "Because my mom still couldn't find a job she started to drink and do drugs". "She met a man who gave us a new home". "He drank a lot and also did drugs". "They both did drugs and gave it to me". "They were that bad into the whole drugs thing so I did too". "They shared their stuff with me". "But then one instance they wouldn't give me stuff anymore so I thought about quitting" . "But I couldn't my body wouldn't let me, so I had to get money in order to supply my addiction". "I stole a lot and dealt drugs for others". "When I needed even more money I signed myself up for street fights". "People would bet on them and earned money with it". "It was pretty big the winner god 100 dollar the loser god 50 dollar". "So only in participation I earned money".

"How old where you?" The doctor asked. "Well in between 14 and 17" I said. "Who took care of you after your mother died". "My step father he let us live in his house and let my brother go to school". "Did you go to school". "No" I said, "he made me earn money, how he didn't care". "So I started to deal more drugs and stole, I first supplied myself and then looked further for money for him". "What happened when you didn't bring enough money home". "Then I first had my daily… never mind and then he kicked me out". "He had a standard". "He wanted 50 bugs with less I couldn't sleep there".  
"How did you feel about that? " "Well I didn't feel much at that time I did too much drugs for that". "Where did you go if you weren't allowed to sleep in the house?" "I slept on the streets or on the metro stations if I was lucky".

"How was your step father with your little brother?" "Well he wasn't nice but he didn't do horrible things" . "He went to preschool at 8 am and had daycare afterwards and would be back at 8 pm and got to bed so he did not see him much". "If I was home I took care of him, eat go to sleep etc". "I visit him in daycare often". "Did your step father ever hurt your brother?", "no" I said. "I made sure of that". "Do you want to talk about the abuse?". "No" I said "I don't want to". "Ok" he said "that's maybe something for next time".

"I read in your chart that you were arrested approximately seven times in the last four years". "For what was mostly fighting and drugs". "You have an impressive violence record there are numerous cases of assault in here mostly against police officers". "Yeah well they had it coming, they had to keep their hands off of me".  
"Then it wouldn't have happened". "What do you mean?" "They shouldn't arrested me". "So you spend almost a year out of the four years in juvenile detention hall". "How was that?" "I didn't care I scored my drugs there". "Did some chores played cards with the others". "It wasn't that bad". "Did you like it better there than at home? ". I was quiet for a while. "I honestly think I did" I said. "but I couldn't stay there I had to take care of my brother". "If it wasn't for your brother did you rather stay in Juvie". "Yes" I said looking towards the ground.

I had enough I thought I can't talk anymore. I bend my head and I had to fight hard to keep the tears inside. "No more" I said "I don't want more questions and talking". An tear escaped my eye. The doctor said, "ok try to calm down and relax you did a good job" he touched my upper arm and I started to shake and pulled away. "Sorry" he said. I was getting upset and angry I tried to calm down but I couldn't. I was looking around and was deciding what to do. Then major Damon said "ok I will hold your arm trying to comfort you but also for I think you need help now to get back in control it'll keep you from doing wrong or stupid things". I nodded and he took my arm. "Try to breath" he said. "Ok you did really well better even you did great now relax it's done for today". "You can let it go". "No need to let the anger take over, no need for impulsive behavior". "So are you calm again" he asked after five minutes of calming down and him talking to me. "Yeah" I said "I'm calm".

"Thank you doctor Wesley for your time" major Damon said "we will be back next week". "Bye" he said while he guided me outside. "I have to use the bathroom" I said. "that's ok" he said "but I'll go in with you because your kind off upset now I will not let you do anything you'll regret later".

He held my arm close while we walked towards the car I didn't mind if he didn't I would probably try to run but I was really confused in my head right now. I didn't know what to do with myself right now. In the car I just stared out of the window.


	14. Chapter 14

**Coping**

**Major Damon's POV:  
**She was totally disorientated after the therapy session she went deep and reviled and relived bad past things. I was afraid what would happen once we were back at the camp. I did not want her alone in the group, I didn't trust it. She could easily react very impulsive and she wasn't calmed down at all. I was really afraid that she was going to do something stupid. So in the car I told her she did very well and asked how she was feeling this instant. "I can't talk about it now, I don't know what I feel I have no idea what I'm doing right now", was her answer.

"Ok" I said "try to relax yourself it makes your head blank thereby you don't have to do anything tonight anymore, you can let go". "I'm scared" she said instantly "I don't know what I'm going to do when we are back at the camp I'm angry I'm confused I don't know". "I feel like cutting". "You said when I had that urge I had to tell you, well I have that urge now". "I'm this close to losing my temper at the moment". "Well" I said "it's very good that you tell me these things because I can help you with them". "We have to take your mind off of this urge there are a few options of how we can do that". "Do you have an idea yourself" I asked. "Yeah, I have to let it all go, I think I need to get angry". "Ok then, when we come back we go to the boxing ball and you can kick and punch on that". "You don't have to do it but I think it'll help you". "Afterwards you can go eat with the group and we go to the nurse I want a full check up and I think I'll let you sleep there so they can keep an eye on you."

"Ok" she said, with a shaky voice "but first do you think I can puke somewhere". "Like right now" I asked "preferably" she nodded. I stopped the car on the side of the road and let her out I held her while she puked all over the place. "It's ok it'll be ok" I tried to calm her. We stood on the side of the road for some minutes and left after she said she felt better I gave her some water to clean her mouth and a gum. She started to calm down a bit. "Alright" I said "you feel better?" she nodded. "Okay glad to hear that" I said. "Do you still feel the urge of cutting" I asked her. She nodded, "well are you up to a kicking and punching session or do you think you can get it out by screaming". "I think I need both" she said.

We arrived at the camp again I took her to the punching bag and allowed her a few minutes until she was total loose. I took her inside and fixed her something to eat. "How are you feeling" I asked "better" she said, "I'm less frustrated can I sleep in the combat tonight" she asked. "Are you sure you are up to that" I asked. "Yes" she said, "well then you have to promise me don't do things you will regret later alright". "Ok" she said, "I'm just going to study for my test and then I go to sleep". "Alright" I said, "I don't want you to go into physical exercise yet". "I'll catch up with you tomorrow sometime". "You will have to report to major Stefan when the others have physical exercise".

**MY POV:  
**I was relieved I puked, screamed and kicked everything out. I was scared to go to the group but I had to do that for myself. I would try to hold myself whole. Major Damon said that I shouldn't do things I would regret later. I was studying my test but the only thing I could think about was cutting my arm releasing the pain. I knew I shouldn't do it but I was impulsive, I thought of searching for major Damon the one moment and the other I was already cutting my arm. Damn I thought when I saw the tiny cut on my arm. It didn't even feel nice I felt horrible knowing I disgraced the majors trust but more worse I disgraced my own trust. At that moment all I wanted to do was cry but I couldn't. I wouldn't show my weakness to anyone. Especially not to the girls in my dorm.

I had to find major Damon I had to settle it, I could hide it and hope I wouldn't get caught but I chose not to. I was exiting the dorm and the other girls said "you are not supposed to leave the dorm you know". I didn't care he said come find me when you feel the urge of cutting or when you are in a crisis situation. Well I was in a crisis situation. I hoped I would find him before anyone else saw me and else I hoped I saw major Stefan, I could trust him a bit. But with my bad luck I walked into major Frank. "What are you doing out of the dorm you have no permission walking these hallways by yourself at this time of the day". "I know sir I'm sorry but I need to find major Damon" I said. "He said that I had to come look for him when I was in a crisis situation, well I'm kind off in a crisis situation right now". "So what is the crisis then?" he asked. "I rather not tell you sir, I'm sorry will you please get major Damon for me, please sir" I said almost crying. I let my walls down a bit and knew my eyes were pleading with fear. That's probably why he told me to walk with him and said that I had to wait outside for he would get major Damon.

He came out a minute later with major Damon, and went straight inside again. "Hey what's going on" major Damon asked. I couldn't come out of my words and hung my head down almost starting to cry again. "Come on" major Damon said, he motioned to me and he walked me to the infirmary he nodded I could sit on one of the beds and said to me: "Major Frank said you had some sort of crisis situation". "So can you tell me what your crisis situation is?" "I did something stupid" I said while I started to sob a bit. "What did you do?" he asked "I showed him my arm it was only a little cut a really tiny cut barely noticeable, but it was a cut. He sighed, "don't judge me please" I said, "I was feeling miserable and tried to study on my test but it kept coming back and then I was thinking to go get you because it kept coming back in my head and I couldn't resist the urge any more but the other second I had already cut myself".

"But I didn't go further and it didn't feel nice to do it at all so I stopped right away and now I feel really bad about it". "Not only because I let myself down but I let you down too". "You gave me your trust and I disgraced that" I sobbed further. "It's ok" he said to me, "let me get a closer look at it". He looked at my arm and took a wet cloth, he dapped at the little wound and asked. "What did you use to cut with". I gave him my hear pin. "You have to look out with that thing" he said softly "it can be infected". "I know" I said "but I couldn't stop myself I knew it was wrong but I still did it".

"Why are you so calm and not angry with me" I asked him. "Well first you had the nerve to come here, you really thought this over" he said. "You didn't want to and you stopped half way". "Thereby you made big steps". "How did I do that?" I asked. "By admitting the fact you were wrong and admitting you feelings towards it". "I can't say I'm not a bit disappointed you did it". "And I told you there would be consequences when you did it again". "So there will be consequences". "Ok" I nodded "and what are they?" "You write something down for me about what you just told me what your feeling was about the cutting and why you did/do it".

"I'll let you sleep here tonight, the nurse will come back in and keep an eye on you just to be sure". "After dinner you leave and will have your school test then major Stefan waits for you in the office alright you can make your assignment I just gave you there". "Yes" I said. "After dinner I will have a talk with you and you will give me the assignment". "Do you need to get anything else from the dorm?" "Yeah" I said "my book and my sleeping clothes". "Well ok I will get you that" he said "settle down I'll ask the nurse to check you out for a second". The nurse searched me and measured my heart rate which was slightly to high. My blood pressure was ok thought. Major Damon came in with my stuff and asked the nurse about the examination. He was worried about my heart rate I could hear it in his voice and his facial expression "another reason not to do too much physical exercise" he said. '" Goodnight cadet" and with that he left.

**Major Damon's POV:  
**I expected this I thought by myself it had to happen, I just had hoped that I was wrong this time. I hoped that she would be able to resist the urge of cutting. Thereby we made a big step though she came for help. She admitted what she had done and came for help. Now I could start with her on the process to recovery. I was still concerned though. I told my brother to keep an good eye on her tomorrow and to look if she was willing to talk to him too, so she learned to trust more people.

**My POV:  
**I went to major Stefan's office while the others had physical exercise, he let me write down my assignment I got from major Damon. Thereby he asked me about the therapy. How it went etc. I told him I didn't like it that it was exhausting and that I hated to be exposed to all my feelings. But that I knew that it would help me in the end. "You know" he said "you probably won't believe me but it helps I don't know for myself but it helped my brother so much". "He didn't want to go either we practically shoved him into the room dragged him there but after a while you could see how he lightened up". "Then I hope it helps me too". I said to him. He asked where I wrote my assignment over and I asked him if he wanted to read it.

That was a big step for me only major Damon knew about my cutting at least he was the only one I told and saw it. But he probably had to tell it to the other majors. Major Stefan read my assignment and praised me about my courage to write it this way and to let him read it. He gave me some candy to kill the time and told me I could do my homework. I had mathematics and he even helped me finish an exercise I didn't get. I thought he was ok. I liked him, I liked major Damon but I started to like his brother also. I knew that I could share some of my problems with him too if it was needed or necessary. I thanked him when I left to go bring my assignment to major Damon and talk with him.


	15. Chapter 15

**Just a bad day**

**MY POV:**  
I walked through the hallway on my way to major Damon's office and came across Kowalski and some other guys. He stopped me in the hall way and they closed in on me. "Seriously" I said, "what do you guys want now?" I asked them. "Well I still didn't have my revenge" Kowalski shrugged. I was so tired of it so I said: "fine hit me I don't care I know I can handle you but hit me I won't do anything so you have your way". "But then you will leave me alone because I'm kind of tired of how you are searching for me it's annoying". "Come on then hit me" I said. I saw he was doubting, "well what are you waiting for?" I asked him. "No" he said and then he walked away but his friends stayed and where grinning at me. Kowalski yelled at them "come on let's go guys", but they didn't come they stared at me and in an instance they all four came flying at me. Punching me in my face kicking me in my ribs and hitting me wherever they could.

After a while majors Damon, John and Frank came around the corner with Kowalski behind them. I couldn't keep up to the four guys and collapsed onto the ground when I got a good kick in the ribs. They didn't stop kicking so I protected my head with my hands and pulled my knees up to protect my stomach and ribs. I saw how major Frank pushed together with major John and major Damon the guys away, Kowalski tried to check on me but I shifted away. Other sub majors came running in and they took the four guys away together with major John.

I was in pure agony I had so much pain I had to lay still. I was laying on the ground with Kowalski major Damon and major Frank next to me. I tried to stand up but it did hurt like hell, Major Frank tried to help me up but I shifted away. I tried to get up again when major Damon said: "or you lay still and keep laying still till we have a doctor here or you let us help you and get you on your feet". I gave up my struggle and I let major Damon get me up. I tried not to show my pain to them but I knew it was impossible not to I groaned in pain and buried my head in major Damon's arm. He pulled me up and held me but I couldn't stand on my feet, I was shaking and then I collapsed in his arms while I almost screamed in pain.

Ok this isn't going to work I heard major Damon say, I was crying in pain "put me down" I got out. He laid me on the ground again. "I'm going to get a stretcher, Kowalski I want you to go to your dorm we will come in a few minutes to get your statement". Cadet listen to me" major Damon said, "I'm going to get the doctor and a stretcher major Frank is going to stay with you". I rather had major Damon staying with me and I looked at him with a bit fear. "It's ok he won't hurt you" he sighed I nodded and he left.

I tried to move a bit but it did hurt too much I groaned again and major Frank said, "please lay still". I Felt that tears where streaming down my face it was the first time I noticed that I was crying. "It will be ok" he said. He then did something that shocked me, he came closer but didn't touch me he came sitting next to me on the ground. "Cadet" he asked "how come you are so afraid of me or that you have all this anger against me". "I know major Damon is the only one who you don't freak at but with me it is much more then with the others, how come?". I didn't know if I would tell him, I was afraid to say it to him. I really didn't like him because he was very stern and I don't know I really didn't like him but there was a way more severe reason I did like him the least. I kept quiet for a while and then managed to whisper our: "You look like him".

That was the moment major Damon came back with a stretcher and the doctor. "We will talk about this later" major Frank said. I nodded and he came closer with the intention of putting me on the stretcher. "I got it" major Damon interfered and I saw major Frank nodding. "I go talk with Kowalski" he said and with that he left.

I was laying on a hospital bed still in terrible pain, I groaned again and did almost scream when they shifted me. Major Damon kept me company. I couldn't take the pain in my ribs anymore and started to panic and cry: "this is bad", I cried out "it hurts fucking much it's not good". "Where does it hurt" major Damon asked "my chest and my ribs" I said. "Alright" he said "lay still try not to move too much". "I'll get the doctor to take a closer look". He came back with the doctor whom pulled my shirt up and I heard them both gasp probably of the bruises they found there. "Do you have any trouble breathing" the doctor asked me, "a bit" I told him. "Alright we are going to make a scan, some of your ribs are probably broken else they will be severely bruised".

The doctor left and major Damon was looking at me with a you got yourself into a lot of trouble again look. "Don't look at me like that" I said sadly, "it wasn't my fault, they ganged up on me". "Then tell me what happened and how it went". "Ok" I said quietly. "I wasn't looking for trouble I was only walking over to you from major Stefan's office". "I came around the corner and Kowalski and his friends ganged up on me". "I asked what they wanted and Kowalski said payback". "I was so freaking tired of it so I said: alright you can hit me I won't hit back but then it's over". "Then you guys are leaving me along" "So I was a bit forcing him I guess". "I said hit me come on what are you waiting for". "But he didn't, he said forget it and walked away and called for his boys but they didn't listen to him".

"They started to hit me and I let them I couldn't care I let them hit me I don't care they can hit me". " I don't care anymore I can't do it anymore". "I felt numb it didn't hurt at first I didn't feel the urge to fight anymore". "I don't care what happens to me anymore". "So please leave me alone don't try to save me anymore there's nothing left to save". I said and then I closed my eyes , I was repeating the same sentences every time. He didn't say anything but I felt his presence still in the room when the doctor came in and touched me, shifting me which did hurt as hell and I groaned. "You have a few broken ribs and a lot of bruises". "I'll keep you're here for tonight" he said. "You need sleep but first you have to talk to major Damon about what happened today". I looked at him but didn't agree I laid my head down on the pillow and closed my eyes.

The doctor left and major Damon said "come on open your eyes talk to me about your feelings, to be honest I'm really concerned about you right now". "Please sir" I said "I'm almost calm now, don't start now I think I'm going to freak". "I'm in a depressive mote right now I can't think straight". "Maybe I feel better tomorrow". He laid his hand on my shoulder and said "alright we will talk tomorrow but you should know that I'm very concerned about the things you just told me". He rubbed my arm and said "have a good night", "thank you sir" I whispered he could barely hear me.

**Major Damon's POV:  
**She gave up, the words she used, she let them beat her up, she didn't fight back. She said she gave up she said she couldn't be saved. She was doing so good, but after her revelation I was worried sick I had the feeling we were back at square one again. I went to my brother and asked him how she was when she was with him. "Well" he said "she was quite happy she let me read the paper she wrote for you I think she was really ready to work out her issues". "Then why was she down this time this much". "I saw it more often in her, like when she was sick she was very down, in the doctor's office she was very down". "But today she was happy, I saw her a few days really happy". " I was thinking she might be depressed or have another personality disorder like a manic depression or something like that". I would talk to her tomorrow maybe she wasn't that down anymore then.

**MY POV:  
**I had trouble sleeping I turned around in the bed and sweated like hell. I had to pee and tried to get out of my bed. I placed my foot on the floor and just collapsed on the ground. The doctor and a nurse came in fast and picked me up placing me on the bed. "What do you think you are doing" the doctor asked "I just have to pee" I said, annoyed and angry. Nice I couldn't even walk and stand properly. They helped me down to the toilet and told me not to leave the bed, I could press the button If I needed anything else. The next morning I lay in my bed sleeping when I was awoken by a hand which was softly shaking my shoulder. "Hey rebel" I heard "wake up". I opened my eyes and looked at him, "hi" I whispered.

"How are you feeling?" He asked "I heard you had a little incident with the floor last night". "Yeah" I said laughing "that was not really nice". "Did you hurt yourself?" He asked. "Physically not, at least not really more then I already was hurting, mentally yes, but it's good that I have a big ego then". "I'm sorry for that" he said, "what did you feel?" "What do you mean I crushed my ego what do you think I felt, ashamed of course " So only because your ego was slammed?" "No not only because of that, I was mad and embarrassed that I couldn't walk to the toilet by myself and that they had to pick me up from the floor".

"So how are you feeling at this moment" he asked me. "I don't know" I said to him "in all honesty I was really sad yesterday after what happened". "But I can't say that I'm sad, now I'm kind of normal maybe even happy". That's kind of a 360 degree turn he mentioned". "Do you have that more often" he asked. "Do I have what more often" I asked. "Well these mood swings". "Who says I have mood swings". " To be quite honest I was kind of scared of the things you were saying yesterday" he said. "What was it that I said" I asked him. "You can't remember" he asked, "well I was really sad and remember it but I don't recall what I exactly said". "Well" he said "it was leave me alone I don't want to fight anymore I'm not savable". "Just let me go". "You'd completely given up".

"Well that was yesterday" I said, "I just had a bad day, I'm not thinking like that anymore right now".  
"I rather not talk about it though I admitted to him". "So" major Damon said, "you want to act if nothing happened and just go one". "Something like that yeah" I shrugged. "Like I said earlier I had just a bad day yesterday". "Well that's where you were wrong you were extremely happy yesterday and positive if I recall your talk with my brother". "You went from extremely happy to completely down". "And right now you are being funny and smiling again". "What are you trying to say" I asked getting a bit irritated, "I can't be happy?". "No" he said "I am concerned because you were not just sad you were ready to give up, you were depressed". "And now you are shrugging everything off and are laughing and happy too happy, after the way you acted yesterday". "So yeah it is bad for your ego when you got beat up". "You could of fought more though", "yeah but I didn't". "So be it" I said, "now please leave me alone." "No can't do that" he said, "I'm going to get to the bottom of your behavior and mood changes thereby major Frank said he had to talk to you and that you might wanted to tell me what it was about". "So tell me"… Shit I thought there we go.


	16. Chapter 16

**Mental breakdown?!**

**Major Damon's POV:  
**See I got my point proven once again. Why didn't I see this earlier, I'm for sure it happened earlier before yesterday and today. But I couldn't connect the dots until now. She was again very happy today, to happy if you saw how she was yesterday. But I couldn't get into this too much now I had to get her trust back first. She was pissed off at me right now, only because I was 'fishing' and seeking for what was wrong with her. But major Frank said I had to ask her about what she said to him yesterday, he wouldn't tell me himself. Only if she was comfortable with it. But I could say that it disturbed him. When I asked her to tell me, I saw how her face changed, it looked like she had a lump in her throat not knowing what to say.

"Uh" she stumbled "I…" "You know you can tell me right, I will find out one way or the other". "Not to sound harsh" I said, "but I think it will help you if you talk about it". She looked at me with tears in her eyes. She nodded and laid her head back on the pillow, "do you think you can get major Frank to come here". "Then I will talk I promise". I looked at her pained eyes. "Ok" I said "I will look for him", before I left the room I padded her shoulder and I felt how she shifted under my touch. She looked at me with an apologized look. I knew it wasn't her fault but I had her trust and I thought we had an understanding. But after our discussion today and what happened yesterday I had a feeling I was back at square one with her. I had the feeling I had to win her trust back again. "It's ok" I said, I knew she felt bad about what just happened I could see it. It was her defense meganism talking. She nodded and I left the room looking for major Frank.

**MY POV:  
**Shit I thought now I have to talk about it I don't want to but I walked around with it for far too long, I had to come clear not only to major Damon but especially to major Frank. I felt weird when major Damon touched me, usually he was able to touch me, without a bad reaction from me. It took a while before he could but it felt good for me to have someone I could go to with my problems and could help me. It was weird to say for me but I felt safe with him. I hadn't felt safe since my father died. But today I reacted different to him and it wasn't my choice to do that, my body and my mind just did. I saw in his eyes that he recognized it. I was really sorry for it but I couldn't do anything to change it, maybe with time. I just hope he doesn't give up on me. I know how I ask him to just give up, but deep down that's the thing I am most scared of, him giving up on me. He's my guardian angel I love that man. Not love as in, "love, love" but he feels like my protector I can't explain it right now.

Major Damon came back in with major Frank behind him. They seated both in a chair next to my hospital bed. "Do you want me to put the bed up a bid" major Damon asked "so you can talk and face us". I rather had not to face them but it would be more polite so I nodded. When I could face them both they both looked at me with question marks in their eyes. "Right" I said. "So" major Damon said, "I want you to tell us what you said to major Frank yesterday and how it affects your behavior around him okay". I nodded and started.

I couldn't hold it inside anymore so I just cried it out. "He does exactly look like him". Then I laid back in the bed and closed by eyes breathing heavy. "He looks like who" major Damon asked. "Come on" I said, "do you have to do this to me you know who he looks like". "Well" he said, "I have an idea but I can't be sure unless you tell us". I sighed hard and said, "he looks exactly like my stepfather".

It was quiet for some time and I think they were waiting for me to say something else. When I didn't major Damon said: "that had and still is very hard on you isn't it?" "Yeah" I answered. "But you know I am not your stepfather right?" "I wouldn't hurt you or touch you inappropriate". It was the first time he spoke since he was in the room. I nodded, "but I can't help it I'm still scared of you". "Every time I look at you I see him and I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt". "So I react differently to you I react angry to hide the fact that I am scared".

He nodded and did something I didn't expect he touched me. I froze and tried to get backwards I looked at him with disbelieve. "Too soon" he asked. I nodded I was definitely not feeling comfortable there. "Ok" major Damon said, "I think that was enough". "I know she doesn't hate you but you are for her a memory of something terrible". "She doesn't want to react that way but I think it goes automatically". I nodded ashamed and major Frank nodded, "I hope you feel better really soon" he said. "Thank you sir I really appreciate your patience".

"I will leave you in a bit" major Damon said, "I want you to know that you can take your time". "Recover from your injuries then we will go further with your other process". I nodded and started to cry from his words. "Hey" he said "shh, it's ok". "Please don't give up on me" I cried. "I know I say that a lot but please don't listen". "I need help please don't give up on me". He looked in my eyes and I saw compassion there. "Hey look at me" he said "I will never give up on you, please remember that". I nodded and my cries turned into sobs. I saw his hand coming to my shoulder but he pulled it back. "Can I touch you" he asked, I nodded and he patted my shoulder. "Take all the time you need and I will help you". "Please take your rest go to sleep or relax". "I will check on you later today". "Sir" I asked before he left, "yes" he said, "would you please help me on my feet I have to go to the toilet".

**Major Damon's POV:**  
I felt my insides crumbling when she begged not to give up on her. I promised her and I promised myself again not to give up on her. To be honest I felt horrible. She was something, I needed to help her but I knew I couldn't do anything but talk to her at this moment. I helped her out of bed and set her on her feet. She was really weak, walking was very hard on her so it took some time before we entered the toilet where I gave her some space and privacy before I walked her back to her bed.

I was in my office walking back and forth. This is giving me a headache I thought I have to help her but I don't know how and that is killing me. I was walking up and down, for how long I have no idea, I felt like I was starting to panic. Then I heard a coughing sound. I looked at the door and there stood my brother. "What are you doing" he asked. I scratched the back of my head and looked at him, "I have no idea" I said sounding desperate. "Yeah I see that because I was already standing there for about ten minutes and you don't look so good man". I fell down on the couch and started to cry, holding my head in my hands. "I don't know, I don't know what to do" I sobbed in my brothers arms who had rushed to my side. "Shh" he said, "try to relax try to come back". "What happened", I told him what happened today and said "I can't let her down I have to save her". "But how can I do that when I am a mess myself".

"Well first try to calm down" he said, "you can't help her when you are a mess yourself". "Take deep breaths drink some water". "Do you want to talk to someone" he asked. "I'm talking to you right", "yeah I know" he said "but I meant a professional someone". "No I just get to go through this and figure out how I'm going to be able to help her" I rattled on. "Damon I want you to sit down right now". "And to be really strait you are not going to do anything else today, I'm going to get dad and you will take some rest". "Before you get a mental breakdown". I wouldn't admit it but I was close to that, I knew I couldn't fight my brother on that one. "But I said I would check on her in a bit". "I will do that" he said. "I want you to go to your room and go to sleep". "Do you have any drugs on you or in this room" he asked, "no" I said kind of hurt by the question. "Good" he said "but I want a drug test first, just to be sure". "Ok" I groaned. After the test I went to my bed and felt myself falling asleep.

I woke up supposedly hours later to find my dad sitting next to my bed. "Hey son" he said "how are you feeling". "I don't know" I said in all honestly. "Your brother said you were close to a mental breakdown earlier, you wear pacing catatonic, crying". "I know" I said, "but I don't know what to do dad, I don't know how to help her and I promised her I wouldn't give up on her". "She was so scared this morning". "I know son I know, and you don't have to give up on fixing her but I think right now that the best thing for you is taking a pause for a while". "I'm pulling you out of duty for a while". "Dad" I started, "don't dad me" he said, "I still know what is good for you don't try to fight it". "You can put your energy in getting better and not breaking down". "After that you can focus on the healing process of cadet Atwood". "Ok" I nodded "I guess that's ok". "So don't worry go back to sleep your brother will look after cadet Atwood for a while till I say you can take over again".

**MY POV:  
**It was late in the afternoon when major Stefan entered the hospital ward. "Hey" he said, "how are you holding up?" "I don't know I think I'm doing better", "that's good" he said. "Are your injuries healing well?" "Yeah I think they are I'm not in a lot of pain anymore but I guess that's mostly because of the medicine they are giving me".

Major Stefan came sitting on my bed, "is that ok" he asked, "when I'm to close you just have to say", "no it's ok" I said. I set the bed straight so I could sit up and look at him. "Alright" he said, "I'm going to be very straight and honest with you". "My brother is not doing so well, you can better say he's a complete mess". "He almost had a nervous breakdown this afternoon". "He has those days and then they get triggered easily, today was one of those days and he had a bit too much". "Is it because of me" I asked knowing the answer but hoping it wasn't. "No" major Stefan said, "well to be honest it was your situation that gave the last drop but I was afraid that it would happen since a few weeks". "Luckily we stopped him and made him take a step back before he could really do something stupid or have a breakdown". "But we kind off forbidden him to do anything right now". "He has to get better first". "He wouldn't at first he said he promised you to check on you but I said I would do it for him."

"I hope it's ok for you if I come check up on you a bit more often for a while he will be able to come down here but we are trying to limit that". I was shaking a bit disturbed by the news, I think he saw it but then he said something which made me realize everything would be ok. "He asked me to say something to you I have no clue what he meant but he said you would understand". "He said as long as you don't give up on me and put your faith in me, I won't give up on you either". "Because I have faith in you, you will overcome this and everything will be better one day".


	17. Chapter 17

**Trouble**

**Major Stefan's POV:**  
After I spoke to cadet Atwood and gave her a tiny glimpse of the situation I walked back to my brothers dorm. When I got there my father was sitting beside the bed on a chair looking at his laptop. "He's asleep" he whispered. I nodded. "I hope we caught it early" he said, "he hasn't had a complete breakdown hasn't he", he asked me. "Not that I know of" I answered. "I'm looking for the number of his psychologist I will make an appointment for him for tomorrow". "Yeah I think that will be best" I said. "He's obsessed with helping that girl that's ok but I hope he doesn't turn into the whole I have to save her because I couldn't save them story" I whispered. Looking at the photo on my brother's nightstand showing my deceased sister in law and nephew. "It wasn't his fault and he agrees with that but I think deep down he still thinks it is".

"He did anything he could" my father said, "she was depressed they still don't know what happened in the car that night". "We still don't know if it was suicide or not". "But we all know Damon did everything to make it better for her he was the one who stood up in the middle of the night to care of their son". "He was patient with her, he went to the psychologist with her". "Damn how can a woman getting so down after giving birth" I asked my father, "well it's very common; post prenatal depression". "But it probably isn't mostly that severe then what our family had to go through". "I think the fact that the cadet mentioned that she couldn't fight anymore and had to give up, triggered him but certainly also the revelation that she does want help, when she begged him not to give up on her". "He is so scared to fail her".

"I got it" I said to my father, "I will lay on the other side of the bed I'll stay with him". "Ok" dad said,  
"get some rest yourself, if something happens tonight please call me". "Ok" I said, while I lay myself down on the opposite side of my brothers bed. I fell into a light slumber when I woke up later by a screaming and crying. "Shit" I sit up in an instance the clock reads 2.30, damn I focus on my brother, he's wet of all the sweating he had done. "No, no" I heard him cry, "please say it's not true, they are not death". "No, no this is not true". Damn his brother was reliving his worst moment in life again in his sleep. "Damon wake up, come on" I shake him gently, "please brother wake up". After a minute of shaking I see/hear him gasp for air and he sits straight in his bed.

He looks at me and breaths heavy, then he starts to cry. Everything comes out. "Why" he asks me, "why did it have to happen to them". "Why did it happen to them why did I have to lose my wife and son, Stefan please tell me why". "I don't know, I don't know, I can't explain it, there is not an explanation possible". "Shh, it's ok, I'm here brother, I'm here". "Let it out, you are going to be ok". "Why couldn't I save them, why couldn't I". "You just couldn't, things happen you know, you don't have power over those things". "But she was doing better and I don't even know if it was suicide or a stupid accident". While he was talking and I was calming him down, I beeped dad. While my brother was talking, he started to breath more heavy and I could feel he started to panic even more.

"Calm down Damon, please you are getting trouble breathing, breath in breath out come on".  
"I can't" he said, "I can't". It was really getting wrong so I called the hospital wing. They were there in a few minutes and decided together with me and my father who also just arrived that it was best to take him to the hospital wing where they could help him breath and monitor/check him. But first they gave him a sedative because he was really in trouble now mentally as well as physically.  
**  
MY POV:  
**I was going in and out of sleep for a while now, when I heard the nurses whisper and rush out of the hospital wing. About twenty minutes later they came back with a gurney, followed by major Stefan and the director, I froze and knew instantly who was on that gurney. He was laid on a bed and there was a curtain closed around it. "We keep him a sleep for a while and give him some oxygen so he stops hyperventilating" I heard the doctor whisper. "Go to bed" the nurses said to supposedly major Stefan and the director. Major Stefan walked towards my bed, probably for checking if I was still sleeping. "Is he going to be ok" I whispered. "Yeah eventually but it can take some time". "You know what, go to sleep rebel it's late". "I think you can talk to him tomorrow when he's awake, it might do him some good". "Yes sir" I said, "I'm sorry this happened to your brother". "And I'm sorry the part I played in it". "Ok look at me I'm only going to say this once again" he said to me. "My brother is damaged, just as you are damaged". "I don't want you to think for even a second this is your fault, my brother wouldn't want you to". "Thereby it is not your fault, do you understand me" I nodded, "ok sir I understand" I said.

I really didn't feel like sleeping but tried though and when I opened my eyes it was light again. The curtains on major Damon's bed where still down, when the nurse saw that I was awake, she said "good you're up". "Set your bed up I'm going to bring you breakfast". I ate the breakfast in silence. The doctor came by to look at my injuries and said I had to try walking. I knew major Damon lay in the same room and could hear everything if he was awake so I had to do my best. It was the other way around now; I had to be strong for him. Maybe if I got improvement he got that too. I walked with the nurse up and down and it went really well. Major Stefan came in while I was walking, "that's going smooth" he said. "Yeah" I said, "it's really going well" . "I'm proud of that keep practicing". I saw him disappear behind the curtain and heard him talk to his brother who was clearly awake. I didn't want to be ears dropping so I went back to my bed and buried myself in my history book to study for the upcoming test.

**Major Damon's POV:  
**I woke up in the hospital ward and couldn't remember how I got here. But I could guess it. I think I had a mental breakdown earlier. I can remember feeling down and thinking of everything I lost in the last years. When I could really further think about it I heard the nurse talk to someone, she was getting someone to walk up and down the room. After a while I realized it was cadet Atwood. I knew everything again, her situation triggered me, I remember how I woke up last night, trouble breathing and panicking after I relived the moment worst moment in my dreams where the doctor told me that my wife and son had died in the car crash.

Before I could really think further about it I heard my brother's voice speaking to the rebel telling she was doing well and complementing her. I smiled , she would be ok he would look after her when I couldn't. Then my brother came passed the curtain he had a concerned look on his face. "Hey" he said, "how are you feeling, do you remember anything of what happened last night". "To be honest it's kind of a blur". "Some things are now coming back to me". "But weirdly enough I feel kind of fine right now". **  
**  
"You had a full on breakdown, you were screaming/shouting, sweating and had trouble breathing". "They had to sedate you before we brought you here". "I was so scared so was dad". "Even the rebel over there was kind of terrified". "What how could she be terrified" I asked. "Well we did have to roll you on a stretcher in here". "She saw that?" , "yes she saw that". "But I think I could ease her a bit, she was smiling today". "She is really concerned about you but she understood your message". "Ok" I said "good, she still here" I asked, "yeah she is studying her test I think". "You think I can talk to her", "yes probably later" he said, "I first want the doctor to check you out and dad has to talk to you".

After a few minutes the doctor checked me out and asked me how I was feeling, I said, I was ok I didn't feel bad, I just had a breakdown a bad day. "I'm ok now". "Yeah you might feel ok now but I would like to keep you here for a while I want to check you out and there is coming someone to talk with you in two hours". "Why who", I asked. "Well you father called your psychologist". "Why did he do that" I said angry. "I did that because you clearly need to talk to someone, I don't want to lose you again like we did in the last years". "I want to catch it early so you don't slide off too far". My father said while he came walking behind the curtain.

I growled, "I'm fine dad just as I said earlier I was just having a bad day I feel a lot better now" . "Don't baby me I'm not going to slide away like last time". "It was just an incident". He sighed, "yeah you said that then too and we were stupid enough to listen". "You remember where it got us then don't you" he said. "Well we are going to prevent that this time". I started thinking back to about a year ago when I had a huge set back. "Yeah ok" I sighed. "Good" my father said, "I'm getting back I have a lot to do beep me when you need me". "Ok" I said, feeling schooled like a little kid. "I have school duty Stefan said, see you in a bit". "You can talk to cadet Atwood now, I think she's kind of worried about you". "Yeah ok" I said, "leave the curtain open and look if you can get her bed or mine closer so we don't have to shout". My brother nodded and pulled the curtain open.

"Hey rebel" I said so cheerful possible, "how are you?". "I'm good" she said, "what's up with you". "How are you doing". "So so", I said when her bed stood almost next to mine. "Doing better" I said. "I was worried about you, major Stefan said you weren't doing that well and then last night there were a lot of people here and they were whispering and saying how you were a mess and such things" , she said. "And I got really scared". "It's ok" I said, "look I'm ok, I'm going to be ok they just want to keep an eye on me that's why they keep me here". I said that while gave her a reassuring smile. "Ok" she nodded "so what now" she asked. "Well" I said "we have nothing to do and a lot of time, if you want to talk to me about something you know you can". "Yeah I know" she said, "same goes for you I'm a good listener too". "Nice to know" I said. I just finished my sentence when my father came in with a angry face and a paper in his hand. "Damon Francesco Salvatore you sir are in deep, deep trouble". "Shit" I cursed I knew instantly why my father was so upset and angry. He had the outcome of my latest drug test.


	18. Chapter 18

**What's Happening to me?**

**Major Damon's POV:**  
"Damn it" I said again when my father came storming towards me. "Why", he asked "tell me why". " I don't know" I said shaking "it just happened". "I tried to puke them out but it didn't work". "I swear". "I didn't plan it I just found myself doing it like I said, I tried to get them out of my system". My father mentioned to the nurse "would you please get the cadet out of here she doesn't have the witness this". "I'm sorry kiddow" he said when he looked at cadet Atwood, "it's for your own good". She nodded and looked scared towards me I nodded which I hoped reassured her a bit. I lowered my head against my pillow and closed my eyes. My father was still angry I could sense it but he tried to keep it more inside. He grabbed a chair and sat it next to my bed. He grabbed my shoulder and gently squeezed it. "Hey Damon open your eyes" he said, "come on I'm not mad any more I just want to know when it happened, why it happened and if it was the only time that it happened".

I opened my eyes slowly and felt some tears escape, "it happened about a week ago". "I was having a hard day I thought a lot about what I lost and while I was searching for something in the hospital wing I say two vicodin pills laying there". "I couldn't control what I did and before I knew it I had swallowed them". "I went to the toilet and tried to puke them out but I failed". "I swear that was all I took". "I still don't know why I did it". "All I know is that I felt terrible afterwards and didn't dare to tell you or Stefan". "I was scared, I had the feeling I failed you guys". "You did so much for me and I just didn't dare to let you down". "I know it was stupid I had to come to you guys immediately but I chickened out". "Please daddy forgive me, please".

"Well son I'm kind of disappointed that you thought you couldn't tell us, you knew we would try to help you and support you". "Yeah I know but I knew you would be angry like you are now". "And I didn't want to let you guys down I know what it does to you too". "Please don't worry about us son, we can handle ourselves". "You can handle yourself?" I asked him "you have been crying dad I know I can see it , you may have tried to wipe it all away but I can still see it". "You are a mess too and it's all because of me". "You know what I think sometimes, the world would be better off without me especially you and Stefan".

"Shit" my dad yelled, "you didn't just say that, you are not thinking that way god dammed". "Yeah I think that way dad because it is the truth, I know that and you know that too" I said sad. "Please my boy don't talk that way I don't want to and can't imagine a live without you son". "It would break me". "Yeah dad, do you got it that feeling just for a slight while that's what I got to live with everyday of my life, every hour, every second". "I would give up everything, hell I would give my own life to bring them back to life". "How is it fair that they died on me, why did they have to die on me, tell me why" I cried.

I felt I was starting to get trouble breathing again so I leaned backwards against my pillow and breathed slowly in and out. My father recognized this symptom and gave me the oxygen mask they put on me last night. "Easy" he said, "come on son, I know it is very hard on you and I admire your strength towards all this but right now I want you to rest". "Don't do anything stupid your brother or I will be here when you wake up". "Go to sleep please we'll continue this later". I shook my head, "I don't want to sleep dad". "I don't want to do anything, yeah I want out of this freaking bed that is what I want". I said getting angry and trying to get out of this bed. "No Damon you are not" my dad said.

Then Stefan came into the wing. "Hold him in the bed please" I heard my dad tell him "I'm going to get a nurse to give him something that will calm him down". "No dad you are not" I screamed at him. "Don't please" I begged, "are you going to relax then, lay down and try to rest". I looked at my brother, my father and the nurse that just walked in and gave in. Defeated I said "ok I will try to rest". "Well you are because we are going to make sure of that I won't leave your side now". "I don't trust it" my father said, more to my brother than to me. He sighed and fell back into the chair he had pulled up beside my bed. "Stefan would you please check up on cadet Atwood, I hope she didn't hear all of this". "Oh and there is something else you should know about your brother but first I want you to comfort the cadet". "Ok dad" he said "I will". "Try to sleep or rest" he said to me while he walked out of the room.

**MY POV:  
**Shit I know for sure he is in deep trouble, I guess he deserves it because he used drugs. But I know for sure he didn't want to I heard him yell that he tried to get them out of his system. I just hope it was only once and that he is not addicted again. I know for myself how hard it is to overcome an addiction and it's even harder not to relapse which he just had done. The nurse had put me in another room I still heard shouting every now and then. I heard how director Salvatore was about to sedate him, I didn't know if he really did it but he was threatening to. After about half an hour major Stefan came down to my room. "Hey rebel" he said, "how are you doing". "I'm good how is major Damon doing" I asked him. "Well I don't want to talk about him now" major Stefan said. "I want to talk about you". "I know you are trying to be strong right now". "You are still recovering from your attack and I know that you really relied on major Damon".

"So I want you to tell me how you exactly feel right now" he said with a soft voice. I knew I could open up to him and I trusted him yes, but not as much as I did with major Damon. "Well I'm mostly scared of what is going to happen to major Damon". "But I know now that I also have to think about my own emotions". "I was angry really angry and upset a day ago I didn't see the positive things in life, anymore. "But now I see major Damon like this I have to be strong and want to see the positive things". "And how's that going" he asked me "to be honest right now not really good but I know for sure major Damon is going to get better soon, he told me so and I believe him".

The doctor came past us and said, "she will be able to go back to group, but she cannot participate in physical exercise". I saw major Stefan nodding, "I think it will be good for you to go back to the group" I nodded. I really didn't like it but I had to go back once there. So major Stefan walked me back to the dorm room, I knew I was all bruised up but didn't want to let myself know I had to get back.

**Major Stefan's POV:  
**I still didn't know what else was going on with my brother, I didn't know what got both my father and brother so upset. But I guessed it wasn't pretty and I was about to find out. When I came back to the hospital wing I saw the curtain was drawn back around my brothers bed. I opened it and saw he was laying there he looked miserable he just stared to the ceiling once in a while blinking his eyes. My father sat in a chair next to his bed, I saw he was holding my brothers hand. When he saw me my father stood up placed my brothers hand back on the bed and lightly squeezed his shoulder before he mentioned me to follow him outside the hospital room. I followed him until we were far away so my brother couldn't hear us talk.

"So" I asked, "what is going on that got you both worked up again". "Well" my father said, "I got his drug test back and I can tell you it wasn't pretty". "He used again" I said shocked. "Yeah he did" my father sighed. "He admitted it but he's lying about it". "He says he had a tiny slip he told me he took pills in an impulse that where in front of him". "Because he was feeling down". "He said it were vicodin and that he tried to puke them out". "He was scared to tell us and didn't because he didn't want us to worry about him". "Well mission not accomplished then" I sighed. "But you said he was lying how do you know that". "Well" my father said, "there were also traces in his blood which don't occur in vicodin". "So whatever it is vicodin is not the only thing he took". "And now we have to find out what other stuff he used but I don't want to startle him again, he needs his rest and I don't want him to get upset again". "Alright" I said, "we will ask him later".

**Major Damon's POV:  
**I lay in the bed and felt myself so guilty, why did I have to break, I've kept so strong for a long time. Why did I have to put my father and brother through this again. Yeah I know I should have talked to them. But I didn't want them worry. The stupid thing on my part was that I saw this coming, I saw it coming for a while now, and I knew it was going to happen eventually. Maybe if I talked to them I could have prevented all of this. I kept looking at the ceiling for a while and heard people that came behind the curtain but didn't acknowledge them. I heard soon it were my father, brother and the institution doctor. "Damon" I heard the doctor say, "look into the light for me and blink your eyes a few times". I heard him but I had the feeling it just passed me by. I was in a daze, like it didn't happen to me but that I witnessed it. "He doesn't respond well" the doctor said. "Damon can you hear me" he asked again.

I tried to talk and answer but I couldn't get it out, I blinked my eyes and shifted a bit. "Strange" I heard the doctor say. "What's happening to him" I heard my brothers panicking voice. "Damon" the doctor said, while he took my hand, "I want you to squeeze my hand if you can hear me". I squeezed his hand lightly. "Well I am glad for that, would you please talk to us what is going on with you" he asked. I tried to talk but I couldn't find myself to talk, I didn't know what happened I tried to get up but only came half way before I collapsed back on the bed. My eyes must have been filled with panic because the doctor took my hand and said "ok Damon I will ask you some questions, one squeeze is a yes, two's a no". "Ok" he asked, I squeezed once. "Do you understand what I am saying" I squeezed once again. "Are you able to talk to us", two squeezes. "You can't talk" he said, more as an conclusion but I squeezed once. "Are you in any pain" he asked me, no I wasn't in pain so I squeezed twice. "Are you scared" he asked, yes hell was I scared, I squeezed once.

"Damon" he said to me, "you will be fine soon, try to sleep you have nothing to be afraid of I've seen this before don't worry about it". "Then what does he have" I heard my father's worried voice. "Well" the doctor said, "he's temporary paralyzed with fear". "He thought too much in the past hour and it all is a bit too overwhelming right now". "He can hear everything and understands everything but I think he has a feeling he's not completely here". "He has to sleep it off". "I give him something for that". I saw him take a syringe and started to freak but I couldn't go anywhere. The doctor probably saw it in my eyes. "Don't worry Damon" he said, "it will be ok no need to be scared, it's just a sleeping pill in liquid form because you can't swallow properly right now". He gave me the shot and almost immediately everything went black.


	19. Chapter 19

**I will fucking kill you**

**MY POV:**  
I was back in the unit but I didn't like it at all everyone knew what had been going down and I still had the bruises that confirmed it. A lot of people were talking behind my back but also strait at me. My reputation which was very high at first was pulled down hard. The girls were all angry at the boys who did this to me and stood behind me no matter what. A lot of the boys also found it very low from the guys to go after me with four people. But no matter what my reputation was torn down. Besides that I was still worried about major Damon. I made an agreement with major Stefan that he would keep me updated and that when the possibility was there I was able to visit him in physical exercise hours.

It was now three days since I left the hospital wing, I visited major Damon once. He was in bad shape when I was there but he tried to be strong for me. They kept him in the hospital for a while. I was still not very trustworthy to other people here but major Stefan was a slight exception. I agreed that he could take me to my next psychiatrist appointment although that was more to please major Damon from my side. So life went on in the institution as I liked to call it. It was not easy to live in there between all the exercises, school, working routines and early morning wake up calls. But as I was thinking it was all I've got. That started to bother me more and more the last weeks, what happens with me if I get out of this place I got nothing, where do I have to go. That thought was pushed out of my mind soon though. Because the guys that beat me up came back into the group from solitary. And made fun of me every instance they got. I couldn't let that get over me so I swore I got back at them . All of them, whatever it took.

**Major Damon's POV:  
**After I slept everything off I was starting to feel better. I was shocked however when my dad mentioned I was lying about my drug use. I honestly only took the vicodin I really can't remember taking anything else. I told that to all of them, I still don't know if they believed me. Then I remembered something , or to be honest something I didn't remember. "Dad" I said when he came in for his regular visit, he came by every other hour to check up on me. "I have to tell you something", "yeah what is it" he said, "well about the other drugs", "yes son" he said. "I don't know what I took I honestly can't remember doing that but I was thinking back about this past week and remember, that I woke up in my bed one morning without the knowledge how I got there". "I was thinking back but couldn't remember anything after lunch". " So I don't know I might took something and knew I did it but I can't remember this right now". "I'm glad you told me that son" he said. "I will tell the doctor what you told me".

"To be honest I want you out of this hospital bed and back to the daily things here a.s.a.p.". "I want from you, drug tests every three days". "Thereby I want you to visit your psychiatrist twice a week and talk to the doctor every day". "Your brother and I will check up on you on a regular basis and I want you to talk to us whenever you want or need it". "Don't shut us out". "You can go back to giving the kids one activity a day for now which will probably be at the classroom supporting the teacher with its lessons". "Do we have an agreement son" he asked, "yes dad" he said. "I really feel better thank you for this chance". "Just don't make me regret it and talk if something is bothering you". With that he left to get the doctor who could clear me out and I could go back to my own room. When I returned my brother was there. "Game night" he asked smiling I nodded "yes that would be nice". I had games and movies luckily to keep me occupied and I could go back to work for a bit.

**MY POV:  
**Major Stefan told me major Damon left the hospital wing and that I could talk with him during physical exercise. When the time was ready I went to the majors office and saw major Damon there sitting reading a book. "Hey rebel" he said when he noticed me, "how are you doing" he asked. "I'm fine" I shrugged. "Yeah nice try" he said. I ignored him, "and how are you doing" I asked. "Doing better" he said, "slowly getting by again". "That's good" I said, "so rebel" he said "what is on your mind I can see when something's off". "What is it" he asked again. "Well you said something's off and indeed something is off". "So what is off" he asked, "my reputation" I answered him. "Your reputation" he asked "tell me". "The guys who put me in the hospital are back and they are spreading bad talk and think they can do whatever they want with and to me". "So they bump into me on purpose and calling me names, threaten me". "So I got to fix that". "Thought I should warn you on for hand". "Whenever I get the change I'm going to get my reputation back".

"You know I find it terrible to hear that this is happening to you but you also know I don't agree with your method in getting your reputation back" he said after a few seconds. "I know" I said, "I don't agree with that either but it is the only way". "They have to know they can't screw with me like that". "I know" he said "but all I can do is ask you not to do anything stupid". "More I can't do, it's up to you if you listen to it or not". "So" he changed the subject "how are you doing otherwise". "I was scared" I whispered, "what where you scared for" he asked. "For you for your health". "I was really scared" I said. "But I kept believing you would be ok because you told me so". He smiled at me "I'm working on it, I will turn out ok". I never thought I would ever ask this to anyone but I heard myself asking it. After saying I was glad he felt better I asked him. "Can I give you a hug". "Sure you can" he said, while he scooped closer to me. "Thank you" I said while I hugged him.

**Major Damon's POV:  
**She wanted a hug, the girl who avoids physical contact like the plague wants a hug from me. I know it is not really progress because the only one that can come close to her am I or my brother a bit. But for me it felt great. "Thank you" she said, "no thank you" I said. "I needed that too". "You know" she said, "I haven't felt save like that in over four years I'm so glad you are here". I almost shed a tear by her confession. This girl with an attachment disorder felt safe with me. "Please don't go away" I heard her say, "don't use drugs again please" she cried out. "Shh" I tried to comfort her. "It will be ok come here" I said while I pulled her in a hug again. She cried on my shoulder "it is going to be all ok" I whispered to her.

When she went back to the group I was thinking about the things that happened. She was getting too attached to me. I didn't mind it but she needed to trust more people. So I found it ok that my brother kept doing what he did while I was in the hospital. He would take her to the psychiatrist and they worked together every other day . I was really concerned though over her reputation and how she wanted to get that back the only way that would be possible was with violence. And that is not going to be pretty. I did talk to my brother about it and asked the other majors to try and make some contact with her. If she was going to be too much attached to me it wouldn't do her recovery any good. But I had to stay in good shape for her, she felt safe with me and I had to keep her safe.

**MY POV:  
**I really got attached to major Damon, and I meant what I said, I felt safe with him. He has been straight forward with me from the beginning and he earned my trust. He did it by setting boundaries and by being stern but he's always been kind and righteous. I could even open up to him about my biggest secrets. I opened up about things I never told anyone before and thought I would never ever tell someone. He knew everything about me. About the drugs, the fighting's, the cutting and even the different abuses.

After a week I started physical exercise again and that is mostly the spot where I got into trouble and this one wasn't an exception. All the main majors where there to give the session. Major Stefan, Damon, Frank and John. I was just waiting in line when one of the boys that assaulted me came standing next to me and was kicking my leg while no one could see it. "Hell stop it" I said. Too bad major Damon heard it. "Cadet Atwood give me ten". The other guy also had to do ten. I did the pushups and continued the rest of physical exercise. But then nearing the end while we were running the same guy came walking next to me and said, "what's up princess watch your back that was step one next I'm going to rape the fuck out of you". And then it was, over everything went black and I reacted. You don't say that to me I thought so I jumped him and started punching his face. There were no majors nearby. But they soon picked up of what was happening. I was now on top of him and kept punching his face and ribs.

I kept going and shut everything else out, after some time major John who was the closest by tackled me. But I wasn't finished yet I tried with all my might to get back to my target. "No leave me alone, I swear I will kill him". I had almost freed myself from major Johns grip and was about to attack again when major Damon stood in front of me. "Stop it" he said, that instance was enough for major John to get a good hold of me again. I struggled again and screamed again "leave me I'm not done yet". I tried to get away again I was still struggling five minutes later and the doctor was already on the spot because the guy I beat up was still laying unconscious on the field. Right now there were three majors holding me away from him, trying to get me inside. But I wouldn't let them beat me. "Ok stop it right now" I heard major Damon yell, "I will give you one change to stop, else I'm going to sedate you". I didn't listen to him and kept on struggling. And then I felt a needle in my arm and I lost my strength I fell to the ground and before everything went black I heard major Damon whisper "I'm sorry".


	20. Chapter 20

**Please don't send me away**

**Major Damon's POV:  
**Well she kept her word when she warned me that she had to take her reputation back and that it wouldn't be pretty. Although I had a feeling that she didn't plan it like this. This happened on an impulse. Yeah I can understand you are angry at someone who assaulted you but he wasn't the only one and she was ready to kill him. If we hadn't intervened when we did, she had definitely succeeded in that. He really would be dead. I saw her angry before, I saw her desperate before but I had never seen her this way. It killed me to see her acting like that and I picked up it was the same for the other majors. After the incident we sat down all four of us. "How can someone be so screwed up" major John said out loud. "Well" I said, "she used to be normal she used to be a happy child". "And then life happened to her, and not just life it looked like only the bad parts in life happened to her". "The most horrible things that could happen to a child". "Losing your parents, living on the streets, being threatened all the time, taking care of your younger brother and being abused in all ways possible". "I think that would make me pretty screwed up too" I said.

"You are right, something is off" my brother said. "She wanted revenge, yes and she clearly admitted that too but the way she acted there was more to it". "It was not just anger it was pure rage". "And why him he was one of four". "He probably said or did something to her that triggered her" I said. While I thought back on everything that happened an hour ago. We had to sedate her and she was now, laying restrained in a isolation cell. "I am going to look if the boy has woken up and how he's doing". "I want to know what happened there exactly". When I arrived at the kid's hospital bed he was awake and responding. I was told he has a broken jaw and bruised eyes. His ribs were also broken. Major Frank went with me and we started to ask questions. Why this got all out of hand and why cadet Atwood did hit him.

His answer was: "she's one crazy psycho fucked up bitch". "Dude you got to lock her up she almost killed me". "Well" I said, "weren't you one of the guys that attacked her last week". "Yeah so". "Well it's is exactly the same" I said. "Yeah but she is crazy she just attacked me". "You know I find that hard to believe, what did you do besides beating her up a week ago, to make her go off like that". "Nothing" he said. "Don't lie to us, it started in the lineup and then it escalated". "What did you do or say when you were running laps". "And we want the truth, because we can check the cadets answer and there were bystanders". "So what did you say". "Well I might have said something" he finally confessed. "So what did you say". "I kind of threatened her". "What did you say and be honest if your story doesn't check out you are in big trouble". "Well I might off warned her that last week's incident only was the beginning and that she had to watch out because the next time I would rape the fuck out of her". "We'll check your statement" major Frank said while I was already walking away cursing when the boy was out of eye and ear reach. "Shit" I said to major Frank, "of course there could only be one thing that made her that angry". I really felt so sorry for the girl.

**MY POV:  
**I woke up finding myself laying restrained in a isolation cell. I tried to get up but I couldn't the strains where holding me down. I tried to get up again now with more force. I tried it again and again when I heard a door open and a voice coming through it. "Easy", it said. It was major Stefan accompanied with major John. "Please get those damn strains off of me" I begged. "I'm sorry" major John said, "we can't do that it's protocol and we cannot change that". I sighed and tried to be as calm as possible, it didn't really work though.

"So what now" I asked, "well" major Stefan said, "to inform you the boy who you attacked is still alive". "Which is good for you because if we hadn't intervened when we did he would probably be death right now and you had an account of murder on your cv". "Well I guess I have to thank you guys for that then". "So what happened" major John asked they were both sitting close to my bed. "I got angry obviously" I said. "Yeah really we didn't saw that". "You were not angry you were in a rage, we couldn't control you". "With three grown man we couldn't control you". "Now tell me that wasn't just anger what happened earlier". "That was pure hate and rage". "So we will ask again" major Stefan said. "What happened". "Something must have triggered you and we want to know what that was".

"You say that, but what if nothing triggered me?" I asked "Then I'm going to get an psychiatrist right away and you probably will get locked up for a long, long time". "Because however fucked up your life is, you can't just go of like that and beat everyone up", major John said. "You know what" I said angry "you fuck off you don't know anything about me". "I'm not talking unless he's out of this room" I said to major Stefan. I was on the verge of crying but wouldn't give in. "No" major Damon said when he came in "he's not going to leave and you are going to tell me now what happened out there". "I am going outside with major Stefan and John and we give you five minutes to calm down and then I want an answer". And with that they walked out all three of them.

**Major Damon's POV:  
**"So" I said to the other majors "I think I found out what triggered her to do this". "She was very hostile" major Stefan said. "I think she doesn't know how to handle this situation". "She wants to be tough but she is near a breakdown" he said again. "But sorry brother you said you found something". "Well major Frank and I asked the other kid some questions and after some digging he admitted he said something which was something in the trend of a threat: that this was only the beginning and that he was going to rape the fuck out of her so she should watch her back". "Well I guess that does something to her and she lost control". "She wasn't just angry there was pure hate and rage".

"So what now" major John asked. "Well" I said "I'm going in with my brother and she is going to either tell us what triggered her or we are going to say what we heard". "Both ways it is not going to be pretty". "And I want to know exactly what was going on in her mind when she was hitting him". "Thereby we have to start anger management and self control lessons with her". When the other two majors left my brother took me by my shoulder. "Damon talk to me please" he said. I sighed, damn my brother knew me too well. "I just can't believe this damn situation". "She gets herself in trouble every time". "And hell I even understand her I would have kicked his ass too if he said anything like that to me and I had been going through what she's been through". "I know I know" he said. "I want those restrains off of her" I said. "I don't know if we can do that" my brother said, "there is a protocol". "Screw the protocol" I said "I want her comfortable when we talk to her". Majors Frank and John came back and all four of us went inside.

**MY POV:  
**I was really trying to calm down but no way I was going to tell them what he said to me. I couldn't tell them. And for the question what happened? I lost it, I just lost it, it was like I wasn't even there when it all happened. I was so angry, no not anger it was rage. I acted in an impulse again but yeah he couldn't say the things he said to me, could he. At least I was sure he probably wasn't going to say them again, I think I made sure of that. It pained me though how major John could say those things. Were they really going to lock me up for a long time, maybe I had to go to jail because I almost killed him. They warned me a few times that too much fighting could send you to jail. That's what happened with people who they couldn't handle anymore. I couldn't go to jail hell I didn't want to go there. I want to stay here I thought. But major Damon isn't going to let that happen is he. But on the other hand, he just got back and he's not the one who is able to make that decision. Shit I was getting myself more and more upset by the second.

While I was in my thought process the door opened and there they stood all four of them, shit I thought again they're really going to send me to jail. I felt I was starting to panic and had to do my best to not let my tears fall. When major Damon unlocked my hand cuffs, I thought that's it they release me and get me to a prison facility. I couldn't take it anymore and when I had the change I embraced major Damon's neck with my arms and pulled him towards me. "Please don't sent me to jail" I cried in his chest. "I want to stay here". "Don't lock me up please" I cried again. The other majors where ready to pull me off of major Damon but he put his hand up so they stopped. "Would you please let my neck go" he said "you are going to give me a hernia". "Sorry" I said when I released his neck. He went to sit on my bed and pulled me back in the position I was in before. I started crying again against his shoulder. The other majors took a seat on tables or chairs in the room. "I have to calm her down first" major Damon said, "then we will talk further".

After some minutes of crying into his shoulder I finally calmed down a bit. I let go of him and laid my head back on the bed. "Thank you" I said. "So what was all that jail stuff of" major Damon asked me. "I don't want to go to jail, please don't send me away" I whispered. "We are not sending you away" major Stefan said. "But I heard that if you fight a lot you get kicked out of here" I said sadly. "Yeah there were people that we did sent to jail" major Frank said. "But you are pretty different from a lot of other people here". "You are not here because you screwed up your life that bad and deserve to be here". "Yeah you made a lot of mistakes in your life but to your defense a lot of shit happened to you too". "Things where you didn't have control over". "Thereby what are we going to gain for sending you to jail" major Stefan asked. "We can't send you there because all they do is lock you up". "You don't need lock up". "You need some help". "Exactly" major Damon said, "you just need some help to get back to that young girl who was happy and didn't have troubles". "I know that is nearly impossible but we can try to get a part of that girl back". "What do you think about that, are you going to cooperate now, so we can help you further". "Yeah" I said "I really want that girl back". So major Damon said, "the first thing to do to gain that is that you tell us, what he said to you to set you off like that".


	21. Chapter 21

**Breakdown or not….**

**Major Damon's POV:  
**Poor kid she was really desperate, she really thought we were going to send her to jail. We couldn't send her to jail, like what we said earlier she needs help. Help with controlling her drug addiction, help with controlling her anger and most of all help to forget or at least live with the things she had been through. But that started with the reason why she beat the kid up and was completely in rage. Yeah I knew what was behind the anger this time, we all knew, but did she have the strength to say it to us. I double checked my story also with witnesses and they confirmed that he had really threatened to rape her. But was she able to say that, or not. Did we have to tell it for her and how would she react at our confrontation all those questions and only one person who could give us the answers. And that person was a complete mess right now.

**MY POV:  
**I was more calmed down now and major Damon repeated his question again. "What did he say or do to you that made you go off like that?" "I don't want to say it". I said almost crying again. "So he did say or do something to you". "Yeah" I nodded "but I really rather not talk about that". "You know" major Stefan said "that we have to know and we will keep asking you". "Sure but I don't want to talk about it now" I plied. "Ok" major Damon said "this isn't going to work, what if I told you that we know for 99% sure what he said to you". I froze "how would you know" I whispered. "You're playing me right" I said getting angry. "Did I ever do that to you" he asked. He was right he never did something like that he was always; straight, honest and forward with me.

"Then how would you know" I asked with a soft voice. "Major Frank and I had a little talk with the boy you hit". "And after some persuasion he told us what set you of like that". "What he did or in this case what he said". "Yeah but he can be lying for all you know". "That could be a possibility that's why we said 99%, but we asked bystanders and they came to the same conclusion". I turned my head away in my pillow and felt my tears coming up again. "Hey it's ok" major Stefan said, "don't hide". "You are not weak for crying". I didn't turn until I felt major Damon's hands on my shoulder "it's ok" he said. "You don't have to tell us you only have to confirm if what we tell you is true alright" . I doubted for a few seconds but then nodded. "Ok" I said, "I will". "I'm just going to say it straight forward" he said to me. "He said that last week's attack was only the beginning and threatened to rape the fuck out of you". I froze again when the words left major Damon's lips.

I really didn't know what went on in my head anymore, there were so much emotions going through. Anger, rage, shame, fear everything I couldn't say anything. I guess I stared at them for a very long time. My whole past came flying through my mind when I came 'back to earth' again because major Damon pinched my shoulder a little. "You still here" he asked. I nodded and lay my head down on the pillow. Shutting my eyes and trying to shut the whole world out. "Ok" major Damon said, "we will leave you alone so you can rest but I still want my answer, you don't have to open your eyes or say anything just squeeze my hand once if what I told you was the truth if it was not squeeze twice". I was in a daze but when he took my hand I squeezed his once. "Ok" he said, "I'm terribly sorry he said that to you and that you had to hear that he had no right". "I will check up on you in a bit, try to sleep". I nodded in my pillow. And was kind of relieved when they all left. I felt kind of smothered with them all four being there.  
**  
Major Damon's POV:  
**I was really worried now, she was away from the world and this was just the beginning I knew. We had to go back in there and talk everything through step for step. Thereby we had to look into anger management and she had to talk to an staff psychologist. She did something of which we had to make a note to the parole officer she did beat the kid that bad that he was close to dying. She also had to be punished because we couldn't let this behavior go unpunished. So there was isolation and a lot of detention or physical exercise ahead of her. And on top of that she seemed to shut everyone out the only one who could come near to her was me. I was kind of concerned about that. What would happen to her when she was able to get out of here. She was way too attached to me. I knew what the answer was to stopping this right now but I wouldn't do something like that. I promised her I would help her and that I wouldn't give up on her so I couldn't turn my back on her now. I couldn't let others clear the job. I was the one who was supposed to get her through this but it weighted heavy on my shoulders.

All these things where spooking through my head and I knew I had to talk with someone about it else I would explode myself and relapse. And that was something I really couldn't use right now. I was just slightly coming back. So I knocked on the door of my father's room and asked if I could come in. My father was talking with some high people from other boot camps in the neighborhoods. "Sorry" I said, "I didn't know you had company sir". "That's ok son do you need me" he asked me and I knew what he meant. "Yeah" I said "kind of but finish your meeting first I will be in my room and see you afterwards". "Ok son" he said "I will see you a.s.a.p". "Thank you sir" I said. Then I left in search for my brother I really had to talk to someone like right now.

**Director Salvatore's POV:  
**Damn it he looked kind of desperate the sooner I got rite of those people here the better. "That was your son right sir". One of the other directors asked. "Yes I said that's my oldest son". "He's the one who lost his family right". "Yes" I said getting irritated "he's the one who lost his family". "Wow that had to be really tough on him I heard he had a real bad period afterwards". "Yes who wouldn't" I answered. "Of course I totally understand" the other director said. "How is he coping now", "that depends" I said, "one day at the time". "But I can guarantee you he is scarred for life and will never be his old self". The meeting was soon over and I rushed to my sons room as soon as I could.

When I came in his room I saw him talking to his brother. "Sorry" he said "that I disturbed you in your meeting". "That's not a problem son I tried to get out of it a.s.a.p." "Thank you dad" he said. "I really needed to talk because I was afraid I was going to explode and relapse afterwards, but I found my brother and talked with him so I'm feeling a bit better now". "What did you want to talk about" I asked him. "Well I find it hard to handle the situation with cadet Atwood". "I know she has blame in things too". "But it seems everything bad possible the world has falls upon her". "We found out that the kid she attacked had threatened to rape her". "Well" I said "than I can at least understand her reaction a bit but that still doesn't make it alright". "I know" he said "I know". "But you should've seen her an hour ago she was desperate she was afraid we were going to send her to prison and she couldn't even tell us what he said to her". "She couldn't even answer or look at us when we confronted her with what he said". "She had to squeeze my hand to get us an answer".

"Thereby I'm afraid she's too attached to me but I promised her I wouldn't let her down and that I was not going to give up on her". "So I can't take distance but she really needs to learn to trust other people too". "But the questions that are really bothering me are: how are we going to get that anger she has out of her". "Are we going to make her happy again". "And most of all what happens with her when she has no longer the need to stay in this facility". "Son" I said "I hear a lot of concern in your words and I know this is a very difficult situation". "I know you care for her and want the best, but there is not much more you can do". "You are already doing a terrific job". "But let me tell you something you are at this moment five steps ahead of the current situation". "Let's take one step at the time and then look further into the future". "Alright dad" he said "you are right, thank you".

**Major Damon's POV:  
**He is right, one step at the time. And I know right now which step that is going to be. I need her to talk about what happened. Else we can't get further in the process a small thing I'm going to add with that is that she's not going to talk to me alone. I know that is easier for her because she trusts me but I'm going to take my brother. She trusts him a bit already so we are going to take that step for step. I want her to almost completely trust him so she's not that independent from me anymore. If that works with him other majors and people are going to add to that. So she trusts more people. There were a few small things I had to think about though and have that in the back of my head: she is scared of major Frank because he looks like her stepfather, her severe mood swings if she really has a manic depression then she needs to be treated for that. I would have a psychiatrist look for that very soon though. I told my idea to my father and brother and they agreed with me so it was that three hours after our last visit my brother and I stood again for the holding cell of cadet Atwood.

"You ready for this" my brother asked. "Yes I am ready" I said and it wasn't a lie. I really felt ready to get in there. I knew I was probably going to be disappointed afterwards because I couldn't get out of it what I really wanted but if I only got a little improvement I would be happy. And because I was thinking like this right now I probably wouldn't be to disappointed afterwards. Yup this was going to be an success one way or the other I prepared myself good so I couldn't end up in a breakdown myself. I felt kind off secure and thought everything through very well.

**MY POV:  
**I slept for a while but was awake now. I was laying with my eyes closed on the bed, I was really happy that the restrains where off me so I could move myself a bit. I opened my eyes when I heard the door open and there stood major Damon and major Stefan. "How are you doing cadet" major Stefan asked while he sat down at the side of my bed. "I don't know" I said in all honestly. "You know you can calm down now about the whole jail thing right" major Damon said who seated himself down on the edge of the table that stood in the room. "Yes" I said "I'm not scared of that anymore, actually I'm kind of relieved to be honest". "So" major Damon asked "are you ready to talk to us about what happened during physical exercise". I sighed a bit but knew I had to talk about it eventually so I gave in. "Ok" I said "I will talk but I don't know everything exactly anymore". "It's kind of a blur". "That's ok" major Stefan said "just tell us what happened to you when he threatened you". Ok I thought here we go.


	22. Chapter 22

**My side of the story******

MY POV:  
I was still scared but felt kind of comfortable with them being there and was able to do my story. I was still shaking slightly and stumbled over my words. Then major Stefan looked back at major Damon and he nodded. I think they didn't notice I was watching them but whatever. Major Stefan took my hand lightly and said. "Ok take deep breaths and try to concentrate on your story". "I know that it is hard for you to talk about this but after this you're done with it and you can look forward and not backwards". I nodded and told my story. I told them the kid was irritating me all week and that in physical exercise it was getting worse. First when we were lined up and then when he told me you know what. "I lost it I completely lost it". "I felt rage, I felt that only once before". "I know I get angry a lot but this was much more different and heightened". "It was like I had no control over my body and thoughts whatsoever". I said.

"I can't remember what happened after I started to punch him". "I remember hands on me pulling me back". "But I couldn't hear anything and the rest is kind of a blur". "All I remember afterwards is that I woke up here being restrained". "I have no idea how I got here". "So" major Damon asked "you really can't remember anything after the first time we pulled you off him". "No" I said, "I'm sorry I can't". "You said this happened only once before". "Was it the incident that made you end up here". "Yeah" I said "I knew I attacked him because I had enough and something just snapped". "And I know that people from the neighborhood showed up and pulled me off of him". "But I can't remember fighting the cops that showed up quickly after and that I fought my arrest". "I believe you" major Stefan said. "You said you didn't remember how you got here". "Yes" I said, "I really can't remember it is all kind off blurry". "I had to sedate you" major Damon said, "I figured that much" I said. "We couldn't control you not even with three man". "All you wanted to do was get back to the boy and you kept rephrasing : I will kill him".

"I'm scared though" I said, "what had happened when you hadn't intervene". "Yeah I really hate the guy, but I don't want him death". "How angry he made me and how he triggered me but still, I didn't want him death". "I really had killed him hadn't I, if you didn't pull me off of him". I said with a small voice. I saw the majors look at each other in doubt. "Really" I said "tell me the truth, I can handle it". "Can you" major Damon asked. "Well I don't know" I said. "That's what I thought" major Damon mumbled. "Besides" I said "you already answered my question". I felt terrible I wasn't a bad person at least I didn't used to be, well I did bad things I did drugs dealt drugs and got into fights a lot. I guess I was bad. "What are you thinking" major Damon asked "you kind off zoomed out for a bit". "It doesn't matter" I said soft. "It obviously matters" he said "but if you don't want to tell us it is ok". "Don't do that" I said, "don't do what" he asked. "Don't try to guilt talk me". "I wasn't doing that" he said "it was not my intention to do that". "I'm sorry if you felt that way". "You don't have to tell anything, if you don't want to".

I had enough I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. That was for the best I thought, but erased that memory quickly. I couldn't think like that. "Can I go back to sleep" I asked them softly. "You can go back to sleep soon" major Damon said, "but first we have to talk to you about the consequences of your actions". "How much wrong was done to you in your life or how you reacted in impulse and not in your right mind we can't let this go unnoticed and this will have consequences". I nodded "I know" I said "and I deserve this". "So what will my punishment be?" "Besides that you booked yourself a ticket for a much longer time here you will be in isolation for a while and get physical punishment in the form of physical exercise". "And you will write down again how you think you can control your anger better". "Thereby I want you to write down what you want for your future you need to have a plan and see how you can make that happen". I nodded. "I guess that's fair". "Wait no tantrum" major Stefan said "most people freak when they hear they have to stay here longer and do exercises". "Well" I said "I can't really say I'm happy about the exercise but I don't mind staying here longer". "And why is that" major Stefan asked. I looked them in the eyes and saw major Damon already knew. "Because I have nowhere else to go" I whispered.

Major Stefan was about to discuss my answer but major Damon intervened. "It's ok you can get your rest now". "Tomorrow you start on your assignments". "Physical exercise will be with major John, while major Stefan is going to work on your anger management" major Damon said. "Major Frank and I will look with you for your future goals, but we will take one step at the time with those". "We will check up on you regularly". "You can't have any luxuriates like books". "I'm really sorry, but it is you and your thoughts for a while". "If you behave well and comply on your assignments you can earn privileges back". I nodded but was really upset because I didn't like any of the things they just told me. I couldn't be alone with my thoughts. I wanted my books.

**Major Damon's POV:  
**I thought we handled it kind of ok in there. We got her point of view and told her the consequences. The downside was that my suspicions were confirmed, she really was afraid to leave this place. She didn't want to leave she felt like she had nothing. And this institution was her only safe harbor. And you know what, she was absolutely right. Beside this institution she had no place to go. The only place she really called home was the military base in Georgia but she couldn't go back to that. New Jersey was all terror for her and she couldn't go back there either. Her little brother was adopted but due to safety and trust protocol she wasn't allowed to know where he was. So she also lost the little boy that meant the most to her in the entire world. She had no one. No place to go no people to care for her, beside here and now the people of this institution. That's probably when I realized that she couldn't think of a future because she also had no money. We couldn't dump her out on the street with nothing when she was ready here. And that wasn't going to happen either over my death body. But that's what she is afraid for, that's what's going around in her head all the time.

"You know you are doing it again" I was snapped out of my thoughts by my brothers soft voice. "You are right" I said, "I'm over thinking again and if I don't stop this now I'm going to make myself crazy and restless again, but you have to promise me one thing brother". "When the time comes she is able to get out of here, we can't just dump her on the streets". "She has no money whatsoever or anyone she can go to". "That's what's she's scared of". "I think unconscious that's one of the reasons she starts to fight". "If she fights she will not get out of here". "We will not abandon her brother, I promise you" my brother said. "She will not be dumped on the street". "Try to figure in the meeting you have with her tomorrow out what she wants for her future and tell her that we will not abandon her". "But for now you are thinking way too far ahead, don't do that please you will drive yourself crazy". "Go do something fun or something to get your mind of off it for a bit". "Yes" I nodded "I will thanks bro".

**MY POV:  
**I was in pain, not like physical pain well that a bit too I guess because they had to hold me tight when they tried to get a hold of me. No now my pain was mentally and usually when I was in too much mental pain I had to shut it out. I used to do that by using drugs but I didn't have drugs with me. Another options tough was still available which was cutting. I knew it was wrong I knew it would have consequences. And that it was bad for me. I would get caught and if not I probably would fess up out of guilt after a while. But the pain was so terrible I had to do something I had to load. I needed something. I couldn't do anything else. I could call for help but then I had to talk more. And that wouldn't help it only would cause more pain. So I decided to just go for it. But not one tiny cut if I did this I had to do this good. I would regret it later I wouldn't regret it for one silly cut.

I started cutting my underarm and did one cut after another it felt so freaking good. Before I knew it my whole arm was standing full of fresh cuts they really weren't that deep but it looked nasty tough. Shit I thought I didn't meant for that to happen. I sure as hell couldn't hide this. Major Damon still regularly checked my arms. And my sleeves were a little short on this shirt I was wearing. I couldn't take another lecture right now and decided to let it slide for now and deal with it when someone saw it. I removed the hear clip I did it with and threw it in the toilet. I saw there were a lot of red blood marks on the sheets of the bed. Jup I'm totally screwed I thought so I don't have to worry about telling or not because right now I was sure they would find out.

A few of the cuts were still bleeding, I didn't worry about that it would stop in a while. I felt more clear in my head. The pain was partly gone and I felt good. I was looking forward now, to getting my life back on track. I needed to control my anger, well ok my rage. And I had to start trust people more. I also needed a plan, what to do when I get out of here. I felt careless for a moment and fell asleep easily not caring about the very obvious blood stains on the mattress. The open bleeding cuts were still visible because I didn't pull my sleeves down. I couldn't care less I would deal with that later. So I fell in a very peaceful slumber to probably be awoken of that a few hours later because someone saw my cuts.


	23. Chapter 23

**Cutting isn't the solution is it?**

**Major Damon's POV:**  
I wasn't really prepared for what I saw next, after Stefan and I left an hour or three ago I decided to check up to see if she was hungry or awake. But when I came into the room I saw a blood stained mattress and big red dried up cutting marks. I flew forwards to check the cuts but when I saw she was breathing normal and that the cuts were not really deep I decided to let her be for a while. Let her sleep. But I knew I had to report this to the others. I decided to go find the other majors after I took some pictures of her arms. I showed them and asked what was best to do. They told me that I was able to decide what I would do about it. Because I talked about cutting with her before. They didn't pressure me on what or how.

I decided to go back to her room and wait until she would wake up. Before I scolded her I would hear her story. I took a book with me to kill the time and sat on the chair near the bed. It was around 8 pm when I finally saw some movement from her side. She opened her eyes and took her surroundings in, it took her a few seconds before she saw me but when she did she looked me right in the eye. I didn't know what I spotted in there it was no fear, it was also no anger. It was weird she looked down and sighed. I gave her a tiny smile and asked "how are you feeling". "Good to be honest" she said. "But shouldn't you be flipping out right now" she asked with a soft voice. "Don't worry I already did the flipping a few hours ago" I said. "But to be honest I don't know how to react or what to think of it". "So I guess I let you do your story first before I start judging or getting angry and upset". She looked at me long and nodded patting the bed motioning for me to join her there. She showed me her arms up close, "see they aren't deep at all" she shrugged. "There's no harm only some more scars on my already damaged arms".

**MY POV:  
**I found it strange he didn't make a scene because of my cuts and was seemingly very calm. He said I could do my story before he judged me or did anything.  
"But wait" I said, "you said you already did the flipping some hours ago, how come I weren't awake then?" "I didn't want to wake you I almost had a heart attack when I saw all the blood you can know that but when I came closer I saw you were still breathing normal and that the cuts weren't deep like you just showed me". "You were sleeping peacefully and I decided to wait until you would wake up". "So" I said "you want to know why I did it right". "Yes" he nodded "I want to know that".

"Don't get me wrong I know how much you do for me and I'm very grateful for that, you have no idea how grateful but I really don't regret doing this". "This may seem like a huge step backwards but I don't feel that way about it". "I was in so much pain earlier not physical pain but other pain". "Like your heart is torn out". "I was over thinking everything and I couldn't take it anymore". "My first reaction to this feeling was usually doing drugs". "It was mostly after an abusive day". "I would flee in drugs and I felt better afterwards". "But I don't have any drugs here and honestly I never want to touch that stuff again". "But something else can take my mind off the pain and that is cutting". "I was doubting at first because I couldn't let you or myself down, but there were more pro's then con's". "I needed it and I knew that there was a possibility that I was going to feel guilty for doing it or maybe even hiding it". "But I didn't feel like talking and that was the only other option". "There are a lot of cuts because I didn't want to feel guilty over a little tiny cut". "But when I finally stopped I saw I did a lot more damage than intended".

"But I don't feel guilty right now because I feel a lot better than that I did before, therefore I'm happy I did it". "And I know that it was wrong and I know that there are going to be consequences, but I really hope you are not going to beat up yourself for that because it's not your fault". "You couldn't prohibited this". "So I'm sorry by cutting myself that I hurt you by that but I hope you will forgive me for that". "And I only ask for your forgiveness for that". " I'm not asking forgiveness for the cutting because I really know that it is wrong and that it can't be a permanent solution but right now it helps me very much". I concluded my monologue.

"Well that was some story" major Damon said, "I'm kind off slammed away by this". "Since when can you explain your feelings like this". "I don't know" I shrugged "but I feel fine now and I can also think more clear". "I am ready to work on my problems but I think I need help for that not only help from you guys but the cutting stops me from doing other stupid things". "I don't know; if I hadn't cut myself I would probably have flipped out and hurt myself more or going crazy". "So technically I did hurt myself but it's not the same" I said. "Well" major Damon said "help me out here because I am glad you found a way to deal or cope but you know I can't agree with this method". "How good it works for you I cannot allow you to do this". I looked at him "I know but you know it sucks I feel really good right now and I don't know what I can do else".

"Ok here's what we are going to do, we are going to clean up those wounds before they get infected". "Then I will bandage your arm". "I will not punish you this time for cutting". "But don't get over your head and think you can get of easy, like I said before if I see other cuts you are in for it badly". He said. I looked at him sadly "I know" I said "but please help me find another solution then". "I don't think talking will succeed and I am stuck here so what other options do I have besides slamming my body against a wall". He sighed, "we will see about that in a minute first let me clean you up". That's when major Stefan entered the room. "Good you are here" major Damon said, "we can use your incredible brain right now" he said winking to me while major Stefan pouted. "Damon don't crush my intelligent brain". "Yeah right" major Damon said. "So" major Stefan asked "did we deal with our little cutting binge" he asked major Damon and me.

After major Damon encouraged me to tell major Stefan what I told him, major Stefan was on the same line as his brother and the three of us looked for another solution. I however was really pessimistic over it because I couldn't imagine another good solution. When major Damon said, "how about you write it down". "I will give you a diary or something and you can use it to describe your feelings". "You can also use it for other things writing stories or something". I shrugged "I can at least try it". "But" major Damon said, "if you feel like that again I want you to come to someone of the staff". "I promise you don't have to talk only if you want but I want someone near you who can keep an eye on you, if you are feeling bad". It might be easier for you too because someone is watching out for you.

**Major Damon's POV:  
**A week had passed since the incident and cadet Atwood was really doing good, she was about to leave solitary and return to the group. Her anger was still there at times but she could deal with it. Stefan said she was doing fine now but that when there were other treads from people from the group he didn't know how she would react. She had an hour physical exercise a day the rest of the time she was alone in her room with nothing to entertain her with. Major Frank and I met up with her also an hour a day. And I made sure that I stayed for a while when I brought her food. I knew it was tough on her but she kept strong and didn't have another cutting urge.

**My POV:  
**Finally today I was going back to the group. I was happy because I was kind of in need of contact with others then majors. But on the other hand, it was safe in solitary and I was nervous because I flipped in front of all those people. They would most definitely be angry with me. Or they would be afraid. This would be a big test. How was I going to cope mentally, but also could I control my anger if someone said or did something wrong. Major Damon had bandaged both my arms my cut up arm as well as my clean arm. He said it would deflate the urge of cutting but we both knew that if I really wanted to cut I would just find another place. But with the bandages well it kind of helped if I had the urge I looked at the bandages and saw how fucked up it actually was so I didn't do it.

I got my 'diary' from major Damon when I got out of isolation. It was really nice I think it was made of some kind of leather. He told me it was his once but that he never used it. He wanted me to use it. He told me that it was mine now. Besides my rosary and dog tags I really didn't own anything so it was nice to own something else completely. I hadn't owned anything besides those things for years. I felt attached to it. I kept it close with me all the time, he told me that I could write in it whatever I wanted and that it was only for my eyes to see. That only if I wanted it to share with someone I could. I didn't need too. So when I got back into the girls dorm room I laid it with my other stuff that I owned; the rosary and the dog tags.

I had breakfast still in isolation so when I entered the classroom ten minutes late I saw all the heads turn towards the door and heard some gasps while I entered. The teacher nodded his head that I could go to my seat and sit down. I walked through the classroom and locked eyes with one of the kids that also attacked me the other day he looked worried and his eyes were full of fear. He was obviously terrified that I would come for him next. He probably didn't know why I had flipped at the other boy. I stood before his table and said. "You don't have to be afraid only if you piss me off again" and with that I sat down in the row beside him. He looked at me shocked. But I didn't give him more attention I just hoped that they would leave me all alone. They didn't have to fear me I didn't want that, but I also didn't want to be assumed weak. I just wanted people to leave me alone. It wasn't a power game for me. But to be honest when people were scared of me they wouldn't dare to come close to me. And by not being close to me they couldn't hurt me.


	24. Chapter 24

**Memories & Temptation**

**MY POV:  
**Today went well, at least as well as you can expect due to the circumstances. Almost everyone was scared of me but at least they left me alone. Some of the girls knew what he said to me and gave me every right to be angry at him, they didn't however know my whole story so they had no clue how it affected me. At least they talked to me normally. It was recreation time or whatever you will call it besides that we reside in classrooms, in our dorm and on the sport field. We have a mutual area for everyone in between seven and nine pm the dorms are closed and we have to reside there studying playing cards whatever. There were always majors walking through the dorms to be present when something might happen. I was sitting in a corner all alone I was writing in my "diary". It was the first time I wrote in it. I wanted it to be something kind of personal to begin with. I dedicated the first few pages with quotes and poems my dad always told me when I was little. On the first page I wrote:

With a butterfly kiss  
And a ladybug hug….  
Sleep tight  
Little one…  
Like a bug in a rug  
_Daddy_

On the second and third page I wrote these quotes and it was only then that I remembered the true meaning of them.__

Enjoy the little things in live… For one day you'll look back and realize they were the big things.

Always remember you are braver than you believe stronger than you seem smarter than you think & twice as beautiful as you'd ever imagined.

I am the master of my faith I am the captain of my soul.

Don't let what you can't do stop you from doing what you can.  
  
I could almost kill myself I was always seeing the negative things in live, I gave up every time things were getting hard. My father left me the perfect messages. But I couldn't relive them it was like I forgot them. But I wrote them in my journal and would always remember them now. I had the tears in my eyes and the only thought I had was: that I had to get out of the room and find somewhere safe where I could breakdown. So what did I do I searched for major Damon and asked if I could get out of the room. He saw the tears in my eyes and brought me to the hospital wing. "Why are we going there" I asked. "Because here you are comfortable and you can be alone". "I'll be outside just yell for me when you are ready or need me" . While he was saying this the tears were already streaming over my face. "No" I said "don't leave I need you" I said "please". He nodded and sat on the bed next to me rubbing my back, while I cried. I scooted closer and hugged him tight. I felt kind of relieved. And after a minute or ten I was myself again I was done crying. "Thank you" I said. "You are welcome" he said. "You want to know why I was crying" I asked him. "Only if you want to tell me" he said. I showed him the book. "I was writing things about my father in the book". "And realized how much I miss him but also that he gave me a lot of good advice and I couldn't remember it until today". "And I feel guilty for that not only for him but also for myself".

I showed him the book and told him that my father always read that to me before I went to sleep when I was little. He did read the quotes and the front page. "I think your father loved you very much" he said. "I know" I said "and it kills me that there is a possibility that he can see me right now". "He would be very disappointed". "You know what I think" major Damon said. "I don't think he will be disappointed at all". "I think that he is very proud of you that you keep your head up and are still fighting". "He will always be proud of you no matter what". "And I think that you made big steps the last few months". I looked at him and smiled, it was a faint smile but I was so glad that he was there. He understood me and knew what he had to say to me. He watched his watch and said "come on I bring you back to the group so you can go to sleep". I nodded "thank you sir" I said. He squeezed my shoulder and said. "Tomorrow we will talk about the future". "Don't be afraid of it, me and the other majors here are going to make sure it will be a bright one".

**Major Damon's POV:  
**When I talked with her the next day, we talked about education. She told me she never finished high school. Because after her mother died around her freshman year she dropped out to get money for drugs and to support her stepfather. In here she had education and I told her that there was a possibility that she could get a diploma here, but that she had to follow classes for a certain amount of time. Which would be no problem for her. But she had to do more. She had to work hard for a degree, they didn't just hand it out. And I told her I would talk to the teachers here. I believed that she could choose three or four subjects in which she got more homework so she would be a bit specialized in that. While we were talking I reckoned that she really wanted this and I would do anything to make it happen.

After that I had to check her arms for cut wounds I did that ever so often just to be sure there weren't fresh once. "So" I asked "how is the writing going". "Really good" she said, "I wrote about my father". "But yesterday I had some troubles you know that" she said. "Yes" I nodded, "well when you left I was still kind of upset". "So cutting rolled through my mind but I didn't, I wrote in my book all the negative things about cutting and that did the trick I didn't want to cut anymore" she said.

**MY POV:  
**The writing in the diary was really working if I felt down or not well I wrote in the diary and it filled pretty quickly. Everything went well, it was about two weeks ago that I came back from isolation after my freak out. I had talks with major Damon and major Frank whom I tolerated much more now. I wasn't afraid of him anymore. We talked about my future and I started extra lessons in Geography, History and Biology. The anger management lessons with major Stefan went better, we talked a lot about how I could handle my anger in different situations, but I couldn't know for sure if it would really work. I hadn't been in a situation like that since I was back. Kowalski had already backed down after he kind of saved me when the guys assaulted me. And the others were probably scared after the last incident.

My first real test still came though, it was physical exercise what else. We were lined up and some new dude was being irritant and I of course said something about it. He ignored me and went on and on about some stuff. I was angry but tried to ignore him. It was later after the exercise he came standing next to me, "I heard you were dangerous sweet pie". "That you flip out of nowhere and that you kick ass". I chose to ignore him. Major Stefan caught onto it, the guy had to do ten pushups. When he got up he whispered in my ear "I don't believe them you are just a weak little girl". I looked at him and was literally steaming . He grinned at me and whispered while hitting my ass "come on girly do something about it hit me". I was angry I was so angry my face was becoming red and I was about to hit the guy when my inside voice said, don't do it he's not worth it. Don't do anything, try to control yourself. But I didn't know how, the only thing I could think about was getting out of the situation and getting away from him.

So that's what I did, I walked out I almost ran, "hey why are you running away" he yelled. "We are supposed to stay lined up you are going to be in big trouble". I saw out of my eye corner that wards were coming after me until I heard both major Damon and Stefan command them to let me go. I was grateful for that. I probably would have flipped if they got closer to me. I ran off and hid after a few trees. I slid down under one of them and tried to breath my anger off. I was literally shaking off anger. I could also feel it in my heartbeat, it was increasing rapidly. After a minute or two in which I heard the group was dismissed major Damon and Stefan came walking towards the tree.

They came sitting next to me and didn't talk for a while. I was still fuming and my heartbeat was raising. "Breath" they said, "try to steady your breath your heart rate will drop, try" . I did and it helped I calmed down by their presence. Major Damon lay a hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eyes, "would you like to tell us what happened there". I shook my head, "maybe later but he was provoking me and he touched me inappropriate". "I will tell you but really not now". "I think you handled it very well" major Stefan said. "Instead of hitting him you walked away". "Yeah I walked away but I know for sure he is going to try it again and I don't know if I can handle it the next time". "If I see him again today I am going to go crazy on him". I said. "It's ok you don't have to tell us if you don't want to, you can tell it later". "But I think that you did really well like my brother said" major Damon said.

"But right now we have to protect you from yourself and make sure that you will not see him again today". "I think it may be best if you go to the hospital ward where you can eat without his presence and go back to your dorm after recreation time". "And while you there the nurse can do your heart shot and a full examination". "I can get you some stuff if you want". I looked at him and nodded "alright" I said, "that probably will be best". "Could you please get my diary then" he nodded "of course I will".

The nurse did my usual weekly/monthly examination to check on my heart. After the shot's I had to be on a monitor for a few hours, while I was on that monitor I was studying and eating. When I was writing in my diary major Damon came in and asked me how I was doing. I told him I was fine I lied I knew but I really didn't feel like talking at that instance. I was still very pissed of the other guy. I still lay in the bed attached to the monitor and was dozing slightly off. That's when the hospital ward door opened and in came the guy I had almost attacked that afternoon. He had a bloody nose. When he noticed me he made another snarky comment. "What are you doing here little girl are you that weak, that you have to be attached to machines". "Well you didn't dare to fight with me so I had to pick someone else" he said smirking "you should of seen how he looks". "Come on little girl I dare you, pick a fight with me", he hit my nerves and I jumped out of the bed I completely forgot I was still attached to the monitor, so the IV was forcefully pulled out. It felt like my heart exploded and then everything went black.


End file.
